She left, but it’s okay, because you have a plan, or rather that’s why you are here. To find that perfect plan and then implement it to win back your woman.
So how long does it take to win her back if you’re using the right strategies?
I know you want a nice round number and a concrete timeline, but I can’t give that to you. Even if you make all the right moves, too many variables can affect the outcome of how long it will take to get her back.
To better understand how long this journey will take, we need to examine what the process of reconciliation looks like.
Get Her Back
The Process Of Restoring The Relationship
In the ideal world, you’d join a program or take steps to improve yourself, maybe read some self-help books, and slowly but surely, you’d begin to mend the wounds. As you work on yourself, you imagine making slow but steady progress each and every day.
But that’s just not how it works. Mending a broken relationship isn’t like mending a broken bone. We’re dealing with a complex relationship with a rich and nuanced history. Even if you have the perfect plan, there will be setbacks.
Instead of thinking about your progress as linear, imagine it as a diagonal line that zigzags and dips.
Even if you’re bettering yourself on a daily basis, that doesn’t mean your relationship will improve on a daily basis. You and your partner will need to work through issues together and separately. There will no doubt be hurdles and setbacks as you confront these issues.
A History of Ups and Downs
Chances are your partner wants to take a break because you two have a roller coaster of a history. Things are good, then bad, promises are broken, then made again, only to later be broken. This topsy-turvy history has her questioning the permanence of your changes.
This is one of the main reasons dips happen. You could be doing everything right, but your partner is still suspicious. So instead of seeing your changes and getting closer, she’ll see you change, be curious, but when she feels she’s getting too close, she’ll pull herself back like she just got burned by the stove.
Expect dips to happen. Taking two steps forward and one step back is inevitable, and it will happen a lot.
Despite the rocky road ahead, there are five things you can do to both understand how long this journey will take and expedite this process.
How Damaged Is The Relationship
Only you can answer this question. Only you really know how rotten this relationship has become.
To understand this, think about how you two feel about one another when it comes to emotional safety, psychological safety, mutual respect, goal alignment, and sexual passion.
How would you rate your relationship in each of these categories? Naturally, the worse grades you give, the longer this relationship will take to heal.
The second factor that determines how long it takes to get her back is how well you respond when she pulls away.
How Do You Manage The Dips
Let’s imagine a scenario where you’re doing everything in your power to win her back.
You’re going to therapy, working on your emotional intelligence, reading more, exercising, eating right, and addressing negative habits. As she sees these changes being made, she becomes curious, investigates, maybe gets dinner with you, and then abruptly backs off again.
It’s easy to throw all this progress off a cliff when you experience another relationship dip. It’s easy to lash out, behave in toxic ways, and confirm her most negative thoughts about your. But it’s how you respond to this setback, perhaps one of many to come, that determines both whether you get her back and how long it will take.
If you crumble, so will the relationship. But if you can ride this wave out and stay true to the process and continue to produce positive internal changes, you’ll be able to make it through this temporary dip and continue the journey towards not only yourself but the relationship as well.
How True You Are To Change
She’ll know if the changes and goals you’re working towards are temporary. Depending on how broken the relationship is, she’ll be cynical of your changes for quite a while. She may like that you’re making an effort to change but not trust that you’ll sustain them once you two are back in a relationship.
That’s why the changes you make must be intrinsic ones. I know this may sound a bit backward, but the only way she’ll notice your changes is if they’re changes you’re making first and foremost for yourself.
This is because doing the right things and building positive habits can’t be made to feel like a chore of obligation. Fall in love with the process of self-improvement, not because it’ll help you achieve an end goal but because you genuinely love the process.
You need to get in the mindset that even if you know she isn’t coming back, you’d still make these changes.
Consistency
There will be many dips along the way to reconciliation. In our coaching program we call this journey the valley of resistance.
It may take you six months to win her back or two years. Regardless of how well things are going, there are bound to be a number of setbacks. That’s great if you can perform well when the first couple of dips occur, but what happens when the sixth or seventh dip occurs?
What happens when you two are about to move back in together, but then she abruptly changes her mind? How will you respond?
Showing her that regardless of the obstacle, you won’t lash out and will continue your inward journey to create positive shifts will give her the confidence that you really are a changed man.
Let It Happen Naturally
It’ll be tempting to reach out and flex every once in a while.
If you’re making meaningful changes you’ll want her to notice. So you’ll reach out. You may poke her, text her, or even drop by her home or place of work.
Don’t.
If you’re giving her the space she asked for and putting in the work to change, she will naturally poke her head in the door every once in a while. When she does, that’s when you can demonstrate how you’ve changed. Reaching out without permission may feel intrusive and even disrespectful if she explicitly asked for space. Of course there’s always variable in every single case, that’s why there’s coaching programs like ours with daily support.
Trust that she will check in with you, and trust that when this happens, she’ll take note of your change.
These are the steps you need to take to speed up the process of winning her back. But along the way you’ll likely fall victim to these three mistakes that I’ve seen men make time after time.
External Motivation
You need to ask what the reason behind the change is. If it’s just to get your wife back, chances are that once she’s back in your arms, you’ll slowly revert back to your old self.
The thing is, this process may take a while. If you’re making all the right changes but feel no closer to winning her back, you’ll not only become angry at the process but also frustrated with her.
You have to acknowledge this isn’t a transaction.
Just because you change doesn’t mean she has to fall in love with you again. It doesn’t even mean she has to give you another shot or answer your phone. She’s her own person and will do what she pleases.
All you can do is change for the better and hope that when and if she reaches out, she’ll see this change and want to reconnect.
Create Deep and Meaningful Internal Shifts
Creating superficial change is easy.
Losing a few pounds, getting a new haircut, and eating better are easy, but what mental changes have you undergone?
Are you addressing bad habits, learning tried and true relationship principles, becoming a better listener, more empathetic, and ditching the victim mindset? Are you adopting a growth mindset, avoiding catastrophizing language, and creating positive habits?
Too many men forgo the hard stuff and try to take the easy way out to impress their partner. So they’ll hit the gym and message their partner sweet nothings. But while this may help you reconnect in the short term once she gives you another change, she’ll notice that you haven’t really changed at all.
So when you do make these changes, make these new shifts part of your identity. Don’t think of them as temporary shifts, but rather lifestyle changes.
Practicing Until You Get It Right
Early on in the journey towards improving yourself and your relationship, this mentality is okay.
When we’re first learning a skill we want to practice until you get it right. That’s a decent beginner’s mindset, but if you really want to master that new skill you have to practice it until you can’t get it wrong.
Let’s say you want to become a better listener.
To do so, you’ll want to practice active listening, summarize in your own words what the person speaking to you just said, and ask a follow-up question. You want to work on listening and truly understanding them while refraining from commenting or trying to change their opinion.
This is a skill everyone wants to have, and everyone is capable of refining.
Don’t just practice these skills until she’s back in your arms, rather, practice them long after you’ve begun to make progress in your relationship. In this way, you’ll create lasting change.
So… How Long Will It Take To Get Her Back?
It all depends on how long it takes you to implement the right strategies.
If you can manage the dips, change for the right reasons, and learn actual relationship principles, then chances are, it’s a question of when you’ll get back together rather than if.
The faster you heed and put into practice this advice, the quicker you’ll win back your woman.
If you want to go deeper and learn all the necessary steps to rebuild your relationship, book a 1-on-1 Zoom call. I’ll show you the process our clients use to transform their relationships from the ground up.