Another week, another cringe-worthy dating trend. Have you heard of cushioning? Apparently, it’s a term that was coined over a year ago, but I and Hayley Hynes from Narcity just learned about it so I’m using the opportunity to give you some insight on this trend that you should avoid at all costs.

(Plus, it was a relatively slow news week dating trend-wise, and I’m assuming you don’t want to hear me gush about the royal wedding, so cushioning article it is!)

So what does cushioning mean in dating or in the relationship space?

Urban Dictionary defines cushioning as:

“A dating technique where along with your main piece you also have several ‘cushions’, other people you’ll chat and flirt with to cushion the potential blow of your main break-up and not leave you alone.”

Basically, cushioning is what some people tempted to cheat on their partner will use as a supposed loophole until they have the courage to either:

• Address the problems in their relationship and resolve them
• Break up

Cushioning is also a way to keep someone on the back-burner in case your relationship suddenly ends and you want to start rebounding STAT. Basically, these people are there to “cushion” the blow of a breakup.

And even if no actual cheating occurs, cushioning can be detrimental to your relationship and unfair to the people you use as cushions. Why?

Cushioning Can Cause Jealousy

If you’re flirting with people outside of your relationship, it’s natural — and completely acceptable — that your significant other would feel jealous and hurt.

By developing inappropriate friendships with other people, you undermine your relationship by fracturing the trust between you and your significant other. According to The Relationships Indicator Survey 2011, a lack of trust was one of the top four reasons for breakdowns in relationships, along with financial stress, communication difficulties, and a difference in values.

Cushioning Sends Mixed Messages

You may rationalize your behavior as innocent flirting, but the person you’re using as a cushion can end up extremely hurt.

If someone is interested in you and you start flirting with them, spending time with them outside of your relationship, and giving them other indicators that you’re attracted to them, is going to end with someone extremely confused and upset.

A real-life example I can share is when a guy tried to cushion me. I knew him as an acquaintance but never hung out with him one-on-one or got very close to him because he had a long-term girlfriend. I didn’t even have his number. When I first met him, I found him very attractive and interesting but shoved those thoughts away when I learned that he was with someone.

Eventually, I started dating someone and that lasted for about a year. If this guy saw me, he would always ask me how it was going and if everything was “still working out good.” When he learned that the guy and I had broken up, he immediately asked me for my number. Yes, he was still with his girlfriend, and she had just posted a series of lovey-dovey pictures of them together on social media the day before.

“We should hang out sometime,” he said with a grin.

“Oh, you mean like in a group? Yeah, that would be great!” I replied.

He laughed a little nervously and then said, “Or…you know…just me and you.”

I politely declined, but the exchange bruised me a little bit. Not only was I going through a breakup, but a man I had found attractive already and would have been interested in if he had been single was basically asking me out — even though he still had a freakin’ girlfriend!

A girl may not let you know how confusing and hurtful these things are. I never let this guy know, I simply kept my distance after that.

But keep in mind that something you consider innocent or “not that bad” before breaking up with someone can be hurtful.

Cushioning Can Backfire on You BIG TIME

Here’s another real-life example of attempted cushioning!

Back in my more naive days of dating, I used to never really question someone’s intentions with me friendship-wise if they were in an exclusive relationship or (especially) if they were married.

I do community theatre outside of my day job and there was a man I was acting in a play with who was married. We developed a friendship and, because we both worked close to the theatre at the time, sometimes he would suggest we grab dinner or a drink before rehearsal. I assumed that since he had a lot of female friends that this wasn’t a big deal and that OF COURSE, his wife was fine with these sort of things.

Guess what? She wasn’t!

Apparently, there had been friendships the man had had in the past that his wife found inappropriate, and by the look she gave me when I finally met her, I understood that there were intentions behind those dinners that weren’t platonic.

Eventually, the guy revealed that he had feelings for me and even got jealous when I got a boyfriend who I “was suddenly spending all my time with.”

Not only was this EXTREMELY inappropriate, but the revelation came when I was three glasses of wine deep. 

You do not want to disrespect and try to cushion me when I’ve got a wine buzz on, sirs, because I will tell you what’s up. I ended up telling him that I was embarrassed for him and that he should be embarrassed by himself, among other things. (I think there was a, “Look in the mirror and check yourself, dude! You are SO EXTRA right now!” at some point, but I don’t honestly remember. #NoRegrets).

Spoiler alert: I have not seen or talked to him since.

The lesson here is that, when you try to cushion someone, it can seriously backfire on you.

A woman might start reaming you out for playing mind games. She may also take it one step further and let your partner know what you’ve been doing, which will DEFINITELY blow up in your face.

Cushioning Prevents You From Working Through Problems

Cushioning prevents you from working through problems in your relationship. When you’re focused on these pseudo-platonic relationships instead of the actual relationship you’re in, it’s basically like putting a band-aid on the problem or brushing things under the rug.

Issues you are having with your significant other will continually go unaddressed, and that will only make things worse.

Because cushioning usually starts happening when things are going sour in a relationship, it’s important to take your desire for other people and redirect that focus onto what you can do to solve the issues you’re currently facing.

Ask yourself these questions about your relationship:

• Do I feel more happy than sad with my partner?
• Am I able to communicate effectively with my partner?
• Do I trust my partner and does she trust me?
• Do I have fun with my partner?
• Is sex enjoyable and consistent with my partner?
• Do I feel trapped?
• Does life look easier without my partner in it?

If you’re feeling unhappy in your relationship, it may be time to break up. If you don’t feel ready to leave the relationship or are unsure of whether or not you want to continue the relationship, it is probably time to consider relationship counseling and search for a therapist together. If you can’t approach the subject with your partner, start going individually so that a professional can help you navigate the best route to take.

Finally, if you are in a relationship that is abusive (or that you suspect is abusive), call a therapist and also call the domestic violence hotline.

The Cushioning Dating Trend Doesn’t Really Cushion Anything

A lot of times people use cushioning as a way to have someone there as a comfort or rebound after a relationship ends. But rebounding really does nothing to help you heal from a heartbreak.

Like alcohol use after a breakup, cushioning is a way to delay dealing with your heartbreak.

If you’re currently trying to heal from a broken heart check out this article for information on how to healthfully move forward.

And Lastly…

I’ve spent a lot of time ragging on cushioning. But I don’t want anyone who’s been guilty of this or tempted to do this to feel like I’m full-on judging you. No, cushioning is not ok, but people are not infallible, and it can be an easy thing to fall into when you’re unhappy in a relationship.

When I’ve dated people in the past where the relationship became extremely unhealthy, I would sometimes notice myself developing crushes or simply noticing other guys. I didn’t cheat, but there were definitely times I exchanged one too many smiles and had more than a couple flirtatious exchanges before ending things with the person I was in a relationship with.

Cushioning doesn’t normally happen out of some sort of malicious intent or as an act of vitriol. A lot of times people end up being in relationships (sometimes that last for several months or even years) that they are unhappy in, but don’t know how to address the problem or exit the relationship.

If you find yourself developing a wandering eye, redirect that eye toward the problems in your relationship and focus on how to resolve those issues instead, whether that means staying with someone or breaking up.

And if you feel like you’re being cushioned, keep your distance. Don’t hold out for anyone that is already in a relationship or fresh out of one. There are plenty of single people who are attractive, interesting, and willing to spend time with you without looking at you as a soft place to fall.