To prove this isn’t clickbait, let’s bring in the researchers.
After watching 500 couples discuss conflict, researchers found that couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a satisfying relationship than those who completely avoided talking about the issue. I should stress that the keyword here is effectively. Arguing for arguing’s sake isn’t going to win you any romantic battles. But if you can muster the tact and emotional maturity to argue effectively, you’ll have a much better chance of saving and improving your relationship than couples who prefer keeping their mouths shut.
So the next time a conflict arises, run towards it instead of away. But once the conflict presents itself, how are you two supposed to talk to each other?
How to Fight With Your Partner
First things first, put down the brass knuckles.
If you’re fighting with an intent to harm, both of you will lose. Healthy arguments arise because two parties want two unique things. Arguments are carried out because both parties are advocating for themselves. When you don’t advocate for yourself, you silence yourself and let the issue simmer until it boils over. Advocating for yourself will create more conflict but as research shows, will also create a more gratifying and harmonious relationship (not immediately but) in the long run.
So long as your only goal is advocating for yourself, you can proceed with having a good-faith conflict.
Take a Breath
I recently read about how a US Marine drove his vehicle over an explosive device while stationed in Afghanistan. The explosive detonated, and when the Marine came to, he realized that part of his legs had been blown away. Most of us would lose our cool in this situation. Instead of losing his cool, the officer used breathing exercises he had learned in his training. He credits these exercises for keeping him calm and giving him the mental clarity he needed to call for help, create his own tourniquet, and remember to prop his legs up before losing consciousness.
If a proper breathing technique can calm this Marine in the midst of war, it can surely help soothe your nerves when discussing a conflict with your partner. But not just any breathing technique will do.
Follow this technique to quickly calm down:
- Breath in for four seconds through the nose
- Hold for two seconds
- Release through the nose for six seconds
- Pause a moment before starting again
The key in this exercise is that you want to breathe slowly and exhale for longer than you inhale.
Take a Step Back
Conflicts are not battles. But if your adrenaline is pumping and cortisol is flowing, then it might feel like you’re about to enter the Colosseum. Put the sword down my friend. If a few breaths won’t get you in a state of mind where you can have a difficult yet constructive conversation, then physically move away from your partner.
Tell her you love her but that you’re not in the right place to discuss this right now and that you need a moment. I recommend physically distancing yourself by going on a walk. Take this time to shift your emotions. Come back in 15-30 minutes, ready to dig into the conflict in a way that is respectful and under control.
Lubricate the Conflict
Just because you two have a conflict doesn’t mean it’s the end of days. You, like so many couples before you, will be able to move past this issue.
To make these difficult conversations easier, create less friction by doing things like:
- Joking about the situation without minimizing your significant other’s opinion or feelings
- Expressing interest
- Asking your partner to tell you more about how she thinks or feels
- Making eye contact
- Expressing affection and telling her you love her
Fights that begin and end with yelling will never be resolved. Conflicts that begin and end with laughter or an affirmation of one’s love will.
Talk About Your Feelings
It’s easy to point the finger and tell your partner all the ways they’re horrible. But along with being easy it’s also not productive. Instead of aiming that finger at them, aim it at yourself. Talk about your feelings.
Talk about the situation at hand and how it makes you feel without saying, you’re an asshole because you’re always late. Instead, say, it hurts me when you don’t arrive at the agreed-upon time, and I feel like I’m not being valued.
Then tell them what you need to feel valued, e.g. to show up on time.
Be sure to talk about how you feel, what specifically about the situation that makes you feel this way, and how you want things to change. This last part is vital as it gives your partner a blueprint they can use to remedy the conflict.
Compromise… Kind Of
In an interview a couple of years ago, the famed psychologist John Gottman was asked about compromises in a relationship and said, “Compromises often fail because people give up too much just for the sake of peace in the relationship.”
In other words, compromising can be good, so long as you don’t compromise on values or details so core to your identity that if you were to change them for the sake of the relationship you would ultimately end up resenting your partner. What you need to compromise on are the things that you’re more flexible about.
It can sometimes be difficult to identify areas where you might be flexible in the midst of a conflict. You may be tempted to dig your feet in and stand your ground. If you need to, tell your partner that you’d like to continue the conversation once you’ve had a chance to process and calm down. Take this time to analyze the situation and look for areas where you can compromise.
Become an Expert Investigator
If you’re wholly opposed to someone’s way of thinking, shutting up and listening is more difficult than winning a rigged basketball game at the carnival.
But if you love them and if your goal is truly to work through a conflict, listening is your greatest tool. Before expressing yourself, understand where they’re coming from. Learn why they feel conflicted and how you can help them remedy it or prevent this conflict from arising again. This isn’t to say that you’ll bow down to any and all demands, you still need to advocate for yourself. That being said, showing that you’re willing to listen will not only help you understand and empathize for your partner but will encourage them to do the same for you.
Working through a heated conflict is a skill. One that you can either learn through trial and error, or through our relationship course, Relationships Decoded. Book a call today so we can learn a bit more about your relationship and how we can help improve it.