You’ve heard all the conventional marriage advice before haven’t you? You know to never go to bed angry at one another, to not let finances get in the way, to listen to your partner, and, of course, before you even think about cheating, hit the confessional and say 10 Hail Marys.
Yet despite this, about 43% of first marriages still end in divorce. So, instead of telling you heirloom advice that’s been passed down for generations, we’re going impart some more modern and unconventional marriage advice.
Modern Keys To A Successful Marriage
Stop Looking At Screens
On average, Americans spend 7 hours a day looking at screens. When we go to work we look at screens, then we come home and watch TV for a couple hours, while intermittently checking our smartphones.
Screens, particularly smartphones, are the silent killer of marriage.
After a long day away from each other, nothing beats coming home to someone who loves you and spending quality time with them. In the ideal yet attainable fantasy you two cook dinner together, then go for a stroll after eating all the while talking about your days.
Yet, for most, the reality is very different.
Each party comes home exhausted. Dinner is made quickly or food is ordered in. Couples eat in silence as they devour IG or binge the latest series. Midweek bonding is tough to come by when there are so many digital distractions.
Happy married couples put their phone away at the dinner table. They put it on airplane mode or literally put it in a different room. Create time every day, even if it’s just for 15 minutes when phones will not distract you two from really talking and listening to one another.
Any older, happy married couple will tell you that when you look back on your life, you won’t remember the videos you watched on TikTok but rather the meaningful time spent with your partner.
Have Many Relationships Before Marriage
Along with teaching married couples how to optimize their relationships, we also teach single men how to date. In doing so, we teach them a dating strategy called MegaDating. MegaDating is simply dating prolifically. In practice, it looks like going on multiple dates a week.
We don’t promote dating around so that men turn into libertines, rather we teach them the importance of exposing themselves to many types of women. Many clients come to us not having dating in years, or even ever. It’s easy for them to become smitten for the first woman who looks their way. But we don’t teach them how to find just any partner, but how to find their ideal partner. The best way to do so is by learning what you do and don’t like in a partner.
The only way to do this is by dating dozens and dozens of women.
Married couples who have lived long and fulfilling dating lives are more likely to have successful marriages than those who only dated one or two people prior to marriage. Prolific daters know exactly who their ideal partner is and won’t settle for any less.
If you’re reading this before getting married, make sure you don’t settle for anyone less than your ideal partner.
Schedule In Sex
All of your most important engagements are penciled into your calendar. You know when your friend’s birthday is, when you have that dentist appointment, and have set two notifications for your daughter’s Christmas recital. Yet, when it comes to sex, we see it as an inherently spontaneous thing. The issue is that sometimes, life speeds us up and wears us down. Sometimes it’s difficult to make time for what’s most important to us – hence a calendar.
Many married couples complain about not having enough sex, and for some, it’s even a cause for divorce.
Make sex a weekly occurrence by scheduling it into your life. Doing so gives both parties time to mentally and physically prepare.
Don’t Rely On Them For All Your Emotional And Social Needs
I’m almost certain that when you recited your wedding vows you listed a litany of labels for your wife. You told her she was your best friend, a partner in crime, and a dozen of other labels. As your relationship has grown she has probably taken on other responsibilities. She is now a financial and caretaking partner, but she may also be your Sunday football buddy, tennis partner, and even business partner.
We say that it takes a village to raise a child, but we never talk about the importance of the village to a marriage. A partner cannot and should not be everything to you. There’s no way one single person can snugly wear dozens of labels at the time time. It’s unfair for your wife to have to wear multiple hats in one night. At first you want her to cook an amazing meal, then be a good listener, then cheer on your favorite team with you before tucking the kids into bed and then promptly turning into a sex kitten the second she enters your bedroom.
Instead, cultivate your village. Just because you’re married and have a family doesn’t mean you need to neglect friends and extended family. Lean on your social network for your emotional needs instead of expecting your wife to satisfy all your social and emotional needs.
Don’t Marry The One
The one, does not exist.
Or rather, she does, but you’re probably not going to find her. The odds of finding your perfect partner are pretty low; in fact, you have better odds of getting struck by lightning (twice) than finding your soulmate.
What this means is that I want you to manage your expectations.
If after getting married you realize that your feelings start to fade, don’t think of this as a dealbreaker. Having feelings of love change from being highly romantic to a more long-term companionate love is normal.
And realize that ups and downs are natural in a marriage. You two will be married for a lifetime. Of course, there will be good and bad times. Of course, you two will occasionally be out of sync, or your partner will change.
Realizing all this going into a marriage will help keep your relationship healthy and sustainable.
Get Into Fights
I’m not advocating you two put gloves on and get into the ring together. What I am advocating, however, is that you two have open and honest conversations with each other even if you think conflict may arise.
I remember reading about this study where researchers would watch hundreds of couples communicate. They were asked to talk about a disagreement they had and discuss it. The couples that deflected, played down, or appeared to quickly resolve a conflict seemed to be in healthy relationships while the couples who really got into the conflict and who sometimes raised their voices were expected to be unhealthy couples.
After checking in with these couples years later, researchers found that the couples who were more willing to engage with this conflict and voice their feelings even when in opposition to their partner’s were more likely to stay together than those who deflected.
The reason is that the more reticent couples appeared to be bottling up their emotions. Instead of telling their partner what they really wanted in the relationship and thus increasing the odds of them getting it, they stayed silent and let things quietly simmer until the anger boiled over.
So they next time you two feel a conflict coming on, don’t run away, and don’t give in. Instead, respectfully hear each other out and try to find a win-win solution.
Allow Yourself To Be Influenced
The famous psychologist John Gottman is our modern Cupid. The man has shot more arrows than the mythical matchmaker and has helped more marriages stick than any other human on the planet.
He says that one of the best ways to create a happy marriage is to be influenced. Not by anyone of course, but specifically by your wife. While this goes both ways, Gottman found that wives are more much influenced by their husbands than vice versa.
So the next time it comes to figuring out where to move, what to eat for dinner, where to vacation or how to teach your children a valuable lesson, listen to your wife and allow yourself to be influenced by her words.
Men who aspire to be good husbands claim they respect their wives, but do you really respect her if her opinions don’t sway you?
At emlovz we blend conventional and unconventional wisdom to turn you into the man your wife wants to spend her entire life with. By focusing on you will help create internal change that your wife is guaranteed to notice.
To learn more about how you can create a thriving marriage, book a one-on-one call so we can get to know you and your marriage goals.