We have this idea that we only cheat when we’re unhappy.
That only when the relationship is on the fritz do we consider becoming romantically intertwined with another. But this narrative is simplistic. It’s not like the only people who cheat are those who are about to terminate their relationship.
Although it may sound odd, even men who love their wives dearly still cheat.
Examining why do men cheat even when in a happy, loving relationship will help us understand how to prevent cheating and how to preserve a marriage even after the worst of deeds has been committed.
Why Do Men Cheat
Needs Not Being Met
Just a century ago, many of us didn’t marry for love.
Sure, love was nice to have, but it was the cherry on top. Marriage used to be pragmatic–and in many places around the world still is. Marriages would be first and foremost a union of finances. One would marry another because they could promise a stable life, yet perhaps not a loving one. And as such, infidelity was slightly more tolerated. If the arrangement is purely economic, what did it matter if he fell in love with someone else (so long as this mistress didn’t father a child and thus suck resources away from the marriage).
But times have changed. Now, when we place a ring on our partner’s hand, we do so because they’re our favorite human in the entire world. Wives expect their husbands to be much more than breadwinners. They want a man who is their best friend, lover, caretaker, father to their children, cook, companion, and much more.
And quite often, women get just this. Yet it’s for this reason that it stings so much when they stray outside the marriage. Being cheated on is a clear indication that one’s spouse is not enough. Yet it’s tough to be enough when the expectations are stacked against you. When you’re expected to be everything and then some, it can be difficult to live up to the labels. Inevitably, when a partner fails at being 20 things at once, their significant other may look elsewhere to get their fill.
It’s incredibly difficult for one person to satisfy one’s every need. This is one of the many reasons a partner may be unfaithful.
Even if a husband or wife loves their partner, this doesn’t mean they feel fulfilled in all areas of their life. Being married to someone for eternity and seeing them day in and day out is amazing. Having constant access to the most amazing person in your little world is a privilege, but it can also dull the senses.
To find the butterflies that had been in hibernation for so long, a man may look for gratification in the wild. But boredom and a desire to spice up the relationship aren’t the only reasons a man may have sex with other women.
Dozens of needs may go unmet in a relationship.
Even when most needs are being met, the high expectations we have of marriages set us up for dissatisfaction and a feeling like we’ve been sold a false promise. Even when a husband is content, he may still yearn for more.
Two Paths Forward
After infidelity is committed and discovered, you have two paths forward.
You might think that after an affair, most couples break up. That’s not true. It turns out that about half of couples who experience infidelity terminate their marriage. The other half stay together.
So, if one path forward is the dissolution of a relationship, what does this other path look like?
It differs from couple to couple, but most will try to make it work. There are many that even succeed. They do so because the relationship is now at rock bottom. Whatever illusions this couple had about a perfect relationship are gone. Now, they can begin to have real, transparent, and productive conversations about what they want from the relationship.
The couples who cheat, stay together, and make it work, are those who realize that their old marriage has died and that it’s now time to make an even better one.
They can start from the ground up.
For starters, each can address areas they’d like to improve. They can acknowledge needs that aren’t being met, and both make strides to fill each other’s cup.
Infidelity is, without a doubt, a betrayal that can lead to the end of a relationship and forever ruin one’s trust. But there is a bright side to infidelity. It can lead to both parties coming together and having some of the most real conversations they’ve ever had. It can lead both to finding new identities and discovering what they want from a relationship and life and how to get it.
Preventing Affairs
It’s true that an affair can lead to a remaking of a relationship, but it doesn’t need to come to that.
Relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel says that every six weeks or so, couples should have a little summit.
This summit should be a time to check in with one another. It’s where you have real and honest conversations about how the relationship is going and what you want, not only from a partner but from life in general. But remember, it’s not fair to slap every label you can think of on your partner. To have your desires addressed, you may need to look outside of the marriage, but straying outside doesn’t mean you must cheat to have those needs met.
The perfect relationship doesn’t exist–but you can get pretty close. You can learn how to improve yourself so that you fill up your cup and don’t feel the need to have an extramarital affair. You can win back your wife’s trust and love and work together to build a relationship far better than any you had before.
In our program, Relationship Decoded, we teach men how to do just that. Through weekly sessions, our online curriculum, and online support group, we teach men how to create the ideal relationship even when theirs is on the rocks. Book a call now so we can learn about your relationship and show you how we can help.