Dogs aren’t the only ones who get separation anxiety when their loved one leaves for the day.
If you’re connected at the hip with your partner, long spells away from them can cause a fair bit of anxiety. While it’s normal to miss your partner when they’re away, anxiety caused by their programmed absence is not.
If you think this anxiety is only impacting you, think again. Chances are, this separation anxiety is negatively rubbing off on your partner as well. Taking steps to address this anxiety now will undoubtedly lead to a better relationship, one where you aren’t sitting in front of the window like a good boy waiting for your favorite human to return.
Separation Anxiety In Relationships–What Is It?
Separation anxiety isn’t butterflies. It isn’t fleeting feelings of loneliness either.
Separation anxiety is when you become overwhelmed with feelings of nervousness and worry. It’s when you’re emotionally out of sorts because your partner is no longer near you. Maybe she went to work or on a brief getaway, but whatever the case all you can do is think about her.
This could stem from a traumatic separation experience with loved ones in childhood, potentially leading to a disorder developed in your youth. However, separation anxiety can also develop later in life, particularly in romantic relationships, especially if you’ve been abandoned, lost a partner, or faced repeated rejections, fostering a fear that your partner might leave you one day.
Some common separation anxiety symptoms include:
- Consistently worrying about a partner
- Fear and unease when they are not close
- Distress when they leave
- A desire to know where they are all the time
- Inability to focus on anything else but your partner
If a negative behavior can be learned, it can also be unlearned. There are various ways you can go about confronting your separation anxiety in your relationship head-on.
Fill Up Your Cup
We have this excessively romantic notion that our partners are everything to us. That our partners are our therapists, our best friends, but also our super sexy lovers and, a moment later, a parent to our children.
It’s unfair to drop all these labels on just one person. If you unfairly lean on her for all your social and emotional needs, they become your entire world. So it makes sense that you’ll have separation anxiety when she’s not around.
What you need to do is create a life for yourself that is just as rich even if your partner is not around. Don’t think of this as diminishing her role but rather freeing her of the burden of having to be everything for you. To do so you’ll need to get some of your social and emotional needs satisfied elsewhere.
The easiest way to do so is by having a solid group of friends. Ideally, these would be friends you can lean on for support, friends that you enjoy hanging out with even if she’s not around, and, most importantly, friends you see every week. If you’ve found yourself neglecting friends and family as you prioritize your relationship, consider reaching out to relationships you’ve left by the wayside. Spend more time with friends and family and realize that you can enjoy yourself even when your partner is not around.
Find A Hobby
What is your hobby?
What is something you love to do outside of work? If you can’t answer this question, then maybe it’s time to explore.
Some popular hobbies you might take up include playing sports, jogging, yoga, hitting the gym, game night with friends, cycling, or even enrolling in an adult education class to learn a new skill.
Hobbies stimulate us, help us form new social groups, find meaning, and are highly gratifying. The act of learning and getting better at something is a healthy journey that will take our mind off worrying about where our partner is or if they’re okay. However, the objective isn’t to take your mind off your partner, but rather to be invested in something highly rewarding, rather than something toxic.
Here are a few steps you can take to find a new hobby:
- Ask how you want your hobby to make you feel
- Take baby steps; you don’t need to go all in on the first hobby you think you’ll enjoy
- Be open to trying new things
- Think about what you loved doing in your childhood
- Make a list of possible hobbies
Wean Yourself Off Check-ins
People today are far too accessible.
By this, I mean with the click of a couple of buttons, we can send messages to anyone in the world. This message will most likely be read seconds after having been received. It’s this uninterrupted access that allows us to have superficial and never-ending conversations.
If you’re missing your partner in a way that is uncontrollable, chances are you’re sending her messages every hour. It’s time that you start setting limits for yourself. Instead of texting her whenever you start feeling anxious, wait to do so. For the first few weeks, just wait a few minutes after that anxiety kicks in to pick up the phone and text. Then wait a little bit longer, and then even longer. Soon enough, you’ll realize that you’re just fine if you only text her once a day, or better yet, if you don’t message her at all.
Create More Meaningful Time
You may stress that your relationship is on the fritz and thus worry about it and her incessantly because you two are spending less time together. Sure, you live together, but it may feel like she’s too tired to invest in connecting when she comes home.
If this is the case, try automating meaningful time back into the relationship.
Meaningful time can look like something different for everyone, but what really matters is that you two do something where you are wholly focused on one another.
Here are some ideas:
- Eating dinner together every night with phones and the TV turned off
- Walk the dog together every day after or before work
- Find a hobby that you two do twice a week
- Make plans on Monday for what you two will do on the weekend
Look Within And Communicate
Why are you struggling with separation anxiety?
You are the only person who can answer this question. Maybe it’s because of a traumatic experience in childhood or one that happened recently in your adult life. Whatever the case, you need to get to the bottom of it. You won’t be able to fix the issue if you don’t know what the root of the problem is.
Once you understand why you’re behaving this way, you may want to communicate it to a partner. Doing so will have her empathize and will fill in the blanks that she so dearly needed to be filled in. Once she understands your behavior, she may also make changes in her behavior to help you cope with separation anxiety.
Get Help From A Professional
In our program, Relationships Decoded, we help men in struggling relationships get their love life back on track. We don’t do this by inviting both parties into a room and interrogating them until they leave more angry than they had entered (looking at your couples therapy). Instead we’ll give you a blueprint of areas of focus in your own life. The only person’s behavior you can change is your own. Focus on becoming a better man and partner.
Through weekly coaching, our online curriculum, and our community we’ll help you remedy bad habits and get your relationship back on track.