Married couples don’t have sex.
It’s a myth that non-married people love to perpetuate. Surely, your friends joked about it a million times after your engagement. But married couples know better.
In a recent study, researchers found that 70% of couples that have been married between 1 and 3 years have sex at least once a week.
61% of couples married between 3 to 6 years have sex at least once a week. But surely after 7 years of marriage, the romance dies, right? Wrong.
56% of couples who have been married between 7 and 10 years report having sex at least once a week.
So no, your sex life won’t dry up after you put a ring on it, but yes, it’s still possible to experience occasional declines in the frequency in which you two get it on. That’s natural, but clearly, if you’re here, you think it’s something you need to address.
So, let’s address it by looking at how you can turn your wife on.
How To Turn On Your Wife
Stress Isn’t Sexy
Emily Nagoski has a Ph.D in sex, literally. In her book, Come As You Are, she found that 10% of women craved sex when they were stressed. The rest, unsurprisingly, would sexually shut down if they become stressed.
Your wife won’t want to have sex unless she’s in the mood. And she won’t get in the mood if she’s stressed. To alleviate stress, Nagoski recommends doing things like physical exercise (read; not that kind of physical exercise), body scans, meditation, have a good cry, sharing affection, etc.
While these are all good recommendations, they might not get at the heart of the issue. For example, if your wife is stressed out because of money issues, her job, or the trials and tribulations of parenting, a quick body scan isn’t the magic trick she needs to want to stripe naked.
To get her in the mood you first need to address the root of these issues. Of course, even if these issues haven’t been remedied in full, she’ll still probably want to have sex sometimes, just not as often as should would otherwise.
Perhaps this isn’t the sexy, hands-on response you wanted to hear, but it’s the one that will guarantee you and your partner more sex.
What Turns Her On?
You could ask a stranger like myself what turns your wife on, but you should probably get your answer from the source.
No doubt you and your wife have been having sex for some time now, but do you really know what turns her on? Have you guys ever even had the conversation of what she likes in the bedroom?
Surely, you did years ago, but sex preferences change. Instead of this conversation being a yearly chat, it should be a running conversation.
Look, I’m just gonna be honest, men are pretty bad at pleasuring their ladies, to the point that even medical journals are acknowledging that there is an orgasm gap.
While 87% of husbands report consistently experiencing orgasms, that number drops to just 49% for their wives.
There are plenty of reasons for this (as we’ll see), but the easiest way to understand those reasons is by asking her.
To be clear, there are two conversations that must be had.
One is the bedroom conversation. You need to understand what she’s turned on by in the bedroom. Even though you two have been together for some time, having this conversation might be a little awkward.
If so, I recommend doing two things.
For one, have the conversation before you’re in the bedroom. Take her aside and tell her that while you’re enjoying the sex life you’d like to have even better sex and then inquire as to her needs. If she can’t quite articulate what you like and you can’t ask probing questions, I recommend using a sex quiz like this one. You can take this quiz together or separately.
If you take it together, feel ready to talk more in-depth about your preferences and of course be ready for this to lead to immediate sex.
The second conversation you need to have is about how to get her in the mood. The first one is all about what she likes during sex, but you’ll never get her if you can’t put her in the mood.
This is all about creating an environment where you two want to have sex. In Nagoski’s words, it’s about identifying sexual cues. If you don’t know what these turn-ons and turn-offs are, I recommend using her PDF.
You’ll learn what puts her in the mood, when she’s most likely to want to have sex, and most importantly what role you can play in creating an environment that encourages sex.
Schedule In Sex
I totally get it; penciling in a day to have sex on the calendar sounds like the antithesis of sexy, but hear me out.
You’re here because you want to have more sex in your life. Creating a weekly sex day turns sex into a scheduled event. It’s an agreed upon day where both parties are down to clown.
Think of it this way.
If you have something coming up on your calendar you’re going to make sure you’re prepared for that event. For a birthday party, you’re going to clear your day so you arrive on time, buy a present, and get yourself in a jolly mood because, hey, it’s your buddy’s birthday.
If sex is an upcoming event, you and your partner are going to prepare yourself for the sex to come. You both are going to do what you have to do and get in the right mindset to have amazing sex.
This is the biggest reason why you two aren’t having as much amazing sex as you’d like. It’s because she’s not in the right headspace. This means she’ll solve her work-related issues, she maybe won’t run a 5k, and instead she’ll focus on making sure she’s prepared and has the energy to have amazing sex.
Another big reason women don’t snag in that moment is because we don’t feel sexy. Maybe we didn’t shave so we don’t feel attractive. Maybe we didn’t go the gym that day or ate something that makes her feel a little off, so when you ambush her with romantic overtures, she’ll turn you down.
Setting a sex date gives her time to address any sexual turnoffs.
Start Flirting Before You’re In The Bedroom
Sex with someone you’ve been with for a while can become what most things in your life have become; routine.
There’s nothing more unsexy than starting and finishing sex in the same way, every, single, time.
Maybe she’s game to have more sex, she just needs you to change things up. Again, this is something you’ll learn when you two talk it out, but even if she doesn’t mention it, keeping things fresh is always a good idea.
Even little things can have an outsized impact on the frequency and quality of sex.
Maybe for example you switch things up by texting her something sexy. Or maybe you can buy her chocolate-covered strawberries that she can only eat if you feed them to her. Or maybe you just start making out hardcore in the kitchen as opposed to when you two are already under the covers and about to go to sleep.
Even taking a trip somewhere for the weekend can be enough to spice things up. Getting out of the routine and seeing and doing new things is a turn-off, even if these things aren’t overtly sexy. That means that even enrolling in a class together, picking up a new hobby, or even eating at a new restaurant all qualify. The easiest way to spice up your sex life is to spice up your life outside of the bedroom as well.
Your lady has her own preferences. It’s on you to dive into those preferences so you can create the best possible sexual experience for your wife. But getting there can be difficult.
This is why we have the lovely sex coach Tilly Storm on our coaching squad. She helps men in our our dating and marriage coaching programs improve this area of their lives.
To learn the ins and outs of how to turn on your wife, let’s talk. We don’t know your wife, but we do know how to create an environment that encourages sex. To learn more book a private call so we can learn more about your relationship and what you want from it.