Romantically, times have been hard.
You and your partner aren’t where you were when you first started dating, but that’s okay.
What’s important is that you recognize that the dynamic has changed and you are determined to make things right.
But you’re curious as to what that path forward looks like. Relationships and marriages are complicated things and everyone’s is different.
What you need is a blueprint full of concrete steps you can take to improve the relationship.
Right now, we’re going to help you create the outline for said blueprint.
Here is a quick rundown of the stages of a relationship that is under construction:
- Stage One: Focus on what you can change. It takes two to tango, but you can’t force your partner to change. Focus on what you have power over by investing in changing your habits.
- Stage Two: Create a safe emotional atmosphere so she feels comfortable talking about the relationships, so you can get to the bottom of what’s causing your relationship harm. If you do this, she will give you the key to improving the relationship.
- Stage Three: Build positive memories. The best relationships have 20 positive interactions to every negative interaction. Work towards a healthier ratio that guarntees your relationship’s success.
Stages Of A Relationship
Rebuilding a relationship or marriage takes time. We can’t say for sure how long each stage will last; we can only give you a plan of crucial steps you must take. That being said, the more dedicated you are to working towards the following goals, the faster the reconciliation process may be.
It’s On You
You can’t heal a relationship if you can’t heal yourself. These aren’t two mutually exclusive entities. In order to fix your marriage, you first need to address personal issues.
Unless you’re in my coaching program, I can’t tell you what these issues are, you’ll have to identify them for yourself.
Maybe you have an unhealthy attachment style. Maybe you run away from intimacy or you’re in constant need of it.
Or maybe you stopped putting in the effort to spend quality time with your partner.
Whatever the case is, it’s now on you to do better yourself.
That means if you’re too tired to be present with your partner, come home earlier from work, work out so you have energy, and start eating better. If your partner doesn’t feel heard, work on your active listening skills, and learn how to become a better communicator.
You can’t fix your relationship or marital problems if you don’t change.
Start building positive habits that make you a better person. But do so not in an attempt to win back your partner’s affection but because you genuinely want to. If you take up an instrument, learn a language, or hit the gym, do so because you have an intrinsic desire to. I say this because if you’re doing it for her, the moment you feel comfortable again in the relationship you’ll revert back to the person she had fallen out of love with.
If you’re wondering where to start, you can begin with easy-to-implement changes such as:
- Getting better sleep
- Spending less time on your phone/social media
- Eating healthier
- Socializing more with people you genuinely enjoy being around (and are a good influence)
Next, you may want to make other changes and start other habits, such as:
- Exercising
- Cultivating empathy
- Becoming a better listener
- Being a more positive person
- Addressing negative traits
To be clear, cultivating positive habits doesn’t mean you’re replacing bad ones. Don’t just create positive habits and address negative ones as well.
Create A Warm and Welcoming Space
Working on yourself is a must. But you can’t really improve the relationship without having open and honest conversation with your wife.
The very reason things may have deteriorated is because she may not have felt comfortable being open with you. Perhaps she felt that you shut her down, didn’t listen to her, didn’t show up at PTA events for years, or didn’t take her concerns seriously. You’ll have to work to repair that trust.
One way to do so is by showing her that you want to have a conversation and listen.
You can work on becoming a better communicator by:
- Asking tailored questions
- Asking follow-up questions
- Listening more than you speak
- Repeating what she says to demonstrate (to her and yourself) that you understand, and asking follow-up questions if you don’t
Even if you feel like your actions have been misunderstood or misrepresented, don’t get defensive. During these initial discussions, you’re an intrepid explorer going deep into the unexplored forest to understand exactly what’s going on in your partner’s head.
Your job is to listen and understand.
Build Memories Together
I don’t necessarily want you to think of these in stages in the sense that you’re moving on from one stage to another. You should always be working on yourself and working to better communicate with your partner. However, once you’ve been investing in yourself and have started to have deep, impactful conversations with your partner, it’s time to add one more ingredient to the relationship recovery recipe.
As you continue to address why the relationship took a turn for the worse (which you’ll find out as you talk more with your wife) you should start creating more positive interactions.
Relationship expert and psychologist John Gottman said the best relationships have a ratio of about 20 positive interactions to every negative interaction. Gottman used to study couples in his lab and was able to predict with a 90% success rate if a relationship would endure or falter.
He found that relationships that had 5 or fewer positive interactions for every negative interaction were in the danger zone.
I want to make it clear that having more positive than negative interactions isn’t necessarily the solution.
It’s one of the 50 or so tools in our coaching program that our clients implement weekly with their wives.
Again, you’ll want to address the issues your partner broached during your intimate conversations. However, even if you address those, the relationship won’t last if you don’t have many more positive than negative interactions.
So what counts as a positive interaction? Positive interactions don’t need to be grandiose romantic gestures. They can be as small as:
- Listening to your partner and asking questions
- Laughing together
- Taking out the trash
- Picking her up from work
- Making dinner
- Holding the door open for her
- Compliments
- A loving touch, kiss, or hug
Then there are the more grandiose gestures.
She’ll appreciate the small things but will love the quality time you two spend together. Building memories together adds value to the relationship. It shows both you and her why you’re together in the first place.
Some ways you may build memories include:
- Weekend getaway
- Enrolling in a weekly class together (dancing, language, cooking, yoga, co-ed sport)
- Taking the dog for a walk together
- Going on hikes
- Picking up a new skill together
- Weekly game night
- Making eating dinner together at the dinner table a nightly occurrence
Three Stages
Remember that there is no time frame here.
Take your time to move from one stage to the next while remembering that you’re always building on top of one another as opposed to leaving stages behind.
If you want that path forward to become just a little bit clearer, book a 1-on-1 Zoom call so we can learn more about your relationship and see if our coaching program, Relationships Decoded, could be right for you.