Look, let’s not mince words. Hearing that your partner wants a break is devastating. If she’s told you that she needs some time to process, you’re most likely freaking out a little and scrambling for a solution.
Naturally, you took to the Internet to find a quick fix. You’ve probably stumbled across a range of ideas, but there’s one that seems to pop up quite a bit: the no-contact rule.
Wife Wants A Break
So What Is The No-Contact Rule?
The no-contact rule is when you give your partner the silent treatment. You don’t reach out, don’t text, call, or even like their posts on social media.
This means that for days or even weeks, you’re giving your partner the cold shoulder and refrain from contacting them.
The idea behind the no-contact rule is that absence breeds attraction. Remember when you or your partner went away for a business trip and didn’t see each other for a few days? Remember how much you missed them even though you two were only apart for a few days? The thinking is that creating that distance will reignite your relationship.
The no-contact rule, or rather a version of it, makes sense, but only within the context of dating, not in a relationship where there are serious problems that need to be addressed head-on.
To understand why, let’s contrast the no-contact rule within the context of dating and within the context of a struggling relationship.
While Dating
In the early stages of dating, you two are hitting it off, going on amazing dates, and just can’t get enough of each other.
While we don’t recommend the no-contact rule while dating, it’s true that taking a while to text back, creating some distance, or perhaps going on vacation for a few days might increase the mystery and make her see you as a more high-value man.
She’s going to wonder what you’re doing, who you’re with, and in turn, will desire you all the more knowing she can’t have you.
But here’s the thing: this only works if she’s already into you.
Now let’s apply this same strategy to a relationship that is in peril.
While In A Struggling Relationship
If she wants to take a break or needs time apart it’s because the relationship isn’t going well. So if you decide to never get in touch with her and to ghost her messages she isn’t going to find this mysterious. Instead, it’s going to compound the issues you two already have.
Instead of wondering what you’re up to and having this create healthy intrigue, she’s going to linger on the recent pain and hardship instead of the good times. The no-contact rule might play into the idea she already has of you as someone who doesn’t know how to communicate or talk about their emotions.
Secondly, refusing to talk to her shows her that you don’t understand the problem nor do you care to learn what the problem is. Instead of creating a safe space where she feels like she can talk to you, you’re continuing to burn the bridge and break off all means of communication. She wants you to care about her and giving her the silent treatment isn’t the way to do that.
She wants you to care enough to ask questions and try to address the problem. But when you use the no-contact rule, it seems as if you just don’t care. What she wants is a man who cares enough to ask questions and then change his behavior. How is she supposed to know that you care or that you’re making an effort to change if you don’t communicate with her?
If anything, she’ll assume that you aren’t evolving but in fact are regressing. The no-contact rule is childish. And spoiler, she doesn’t want a man-child. Playing hard to get may have been cute decades ago, but it’s lost its luster.
But really, the worst possible conclusion she can jump to is that you think she’s the reason the relationship has deteriorated. By shunning her, it signals that you’re angry at her because of something she did. So now you’re putting the onus on her to fix the issues instead of taking charge.
What She Wants To See
She wants to see that there’s a brighter future for the two of you. And the only way to convince her that your future can be different from the one she’s been imagining is if you’re different. The fortunes of the relationship change if you change.
But the desire to change and to then show her how you’ve changed can create this sense of urgency. If instead of playing it cool and holding back, you’re supposed to demonstrate that you can and are evolving, you’ll be tempted to push and prod her, something that she has vocalized she doesn’t want.
Remember that if she said she wants space to think, you need to respect that space while still putting yourself in a position to show how you’ve changed for the better.
Create A Safe Space
To do that, the first thing you should do is let her know that you’re always available to talk. She’s made it clear she needs to take a step back and you should respect that. But there will come a time when she does want to talk. Let her know from the start that whenever she wants to talk, you’re more than happy to talk with her, but most importantly, listen to her.
But I know that waiting can make you ancy, so to speed this process up, do and say these four things.
1) Acknowledge Her Desire For Space
Show her that you understand what she wants by repeating her words back to her. One of the reasons she wants space is probably because she thinks you don’t listen or respect her. Show her that’s not true. Don’t spit back her words verbatim like a parrot, but rephrase and ask questions to make sure you understand her point of view.
2) Accept Responsibility and Vow to Change
Acknowledge that you played a role in creating this situation and that you are going to change for the sake of the relationship and yourself.
3) Trust Her
Tell her that you think she’s a smart and observant woman and that you trust her to see that you’ve changed. Not to take you back, don’t make it sound like you’re going to work on yourself and then you expect her to take you back. Rather, tell her that you hope that she sees the changes you make and believes they are permanent ones.
4) You’re Open To Talking
Make it known that you’re open to talking to her whenever she wants and that when she feels comfortable talking to you about the relationship or anything else she has on her mind that you’d genuinely love to talk to her.
Why This Works
So why does this messaging work so well?
For one, it shows her that you understand the situation. You’ve acknowledged that you’re the problem, that she needs time and that you’re going to work on changing yourself. You two are on the same page as far as where the relationship is at.
Secondly, it shows that you’re committed to turning this relationship around and that you plan on doing this by making internal changes. You’re not going to point fingers, you owned up to the position you put this relationship in and want to take responsibility for your actions.
By communicating what we just spoke about you’re piquing her interest. You’re stating your intention to change but also inviting her in to witness that change when she’s ready. Even if her mind is already made up to leave you she’ll still be curious to see how you’ve changed.
What Now?
Now the ball is in your court.
You’ve expressed yourself and signaled your intent to change, now it’s time to get to work.
That means changing yourself to become a better partner. It means working on your listening and empathy skills, spending more meaningful time with the family, building healthy habits, and doing what you need to do to become a better partner and person.
When she does finally reach out, show her how you’ve changed. Put those new communication skills to work by listening, asking probing questions, and getting to the root of the problem. Once you’ve talked enough to understand the root cause of her pain, address it by proposing solutions that work for both of you.
I know that you’ll want to reach out but trust the process.
Work on yourself, give her space, and when the time is right show her that you’ve changed and so can your relationship if she gives you another chance.
If you want to go deeper and learn all the necessary steps to rebuild your relationship, book a call so we can talk. In our program you’ll learn how to transform your relationships from the ground up.