Many would agree that the worst thing a partner could do is cheat.
For men, it’s when their partner cheats on them physically. For women, it’s when their partner develops feelings for another woman.
When we lie, cheat, or have an affair, it feels like all is lost. I know it feels like there’s no one way back, but this is only because the wound is still fresh.
With time and a plan of action, you slowly begin to win your wife back.
How To Rebuild Trust, The Path Forward
When trying to rebuild trust, you can’t use 100% logic to win your wife back. You can’t explain away your actions. Promises that you will change and justifying why you acted the way you did aren’t going to help you win her back.
There may be a time and place to explain why you did what you did but it’s not the first thing you should do. Trying to justify it might sound like you’re placing the blame on her. You may voice that you weren’t feeling fulfilled in the relationship so you sought someone outside the relationship to fulfill your needs. She doesn’t want to listen to you explain away your behavior, at least not now.
Making promises won’t help either. She has zero reason to believe you will change, especially if you don’t first hear her out and understand the pain you put her through. So before making any guarantees, take the time to sit down and listen to her.
Steps To Rebuilding Trust
When rebuilding trust, you first need to understand the victim.
Instead of giving out an apology and offering solutions, you first need to hear her out. Give her the floor and tell her you’re all ears. Actively listen, ask questions, and convince her that you care about her feelings and genuinely want to understand what’s going on in her mind. Use I statements, not “you” statements.
Get to the core of her hurt to better understand her and to start rebuilding trust. You must understand why you hurt her so much and what her biggest fears are about being in a relationship with you.
Discuss The Needed Changes
Now that you have a more granular understanding of her pain, it’s time to create a list of changes you both can make to ensure this never happens again. This may mean spending more time together, better communication, and changes in the bedroom.
To be clear, we’re not just talking about changes that you need to make. A simple change would be, just don’t sleep with anyone again, but that won’t work. You may be tempted to go outside your marriage and lie should the reason that led you to these actions not be addressed.
Both of you need to make changes in order to rebuild trust and have a happy partnership again.
Introspection To Find Your Why
You cannot rebuild trust in your relationship if you do not trust yourself.
You can make all the promises you want but have you changed yourself so much that you won’t step outside of your partnership again?
To rewire your habits and thinking, take the time to dig deeper and understand why you cheated. The only way to change is to find the root cause.
Consider using the 7 Levels Deep Exercise to find the root cause.
Many people think that for a relationship to have trust again it’s up to the victim to work towards trusting their partner. That’s true, but it’s also about the instigator trusting oneself. If you don’t work on yourself, how can you trust that this won’t happen again.
Really take the time to find out what led to this toxic behavior. Introspect, ask yourself the tough questions, and talk to a professional if this helps you.
Skills To Rebuild A Relationship
Effectively rebuilding a relationship means being able to make use of and refine certain skills.
Conversational Skills
You can’t find the root of the issue if you don’t have penetrative conversations. These are the kind of conversations that are deeply emotional.
To have these kinds of beneficial conversations, you need to show her that you care, that you’re listening, and that you want to put the work into healing. Perhaps start this conversation by asking her how she feels and acknowledging the hurt. Don’t shy away from the harsh truths, but instead embrace them and own up to your mistakes. This will help bring her guard down and allow her to talk more freely about her feelings and the root cause of her pain. In our relationship/marriage coaching program for men we dive deep into dozens of conversational tools and role playing exercises to help guide our clients to safer waters.
Learn To Ask Better Questions
Be willing to have the conversation is a step in the right direction, but it’s not enough to get to the marrow of the issue. To heal, you’ll need to be able to ask questions in a way that allows her to open up.
One method is by repeating what she’s said in a way that shows you understand and then asking her a follow-up question.
Asking questions will also help you move past resistance. She might not feel comfortable opening up to you. If she doesn’t trust you she may not want to be vulnerable with you. Asking probing questions – without interrogating her – and showing her that you care about how she feels will eventually allow her to open up.
And remember that this isn’t one conversation you will have but no doubt a series of conversations as you two rebuild trust. It’s okay if you don’t make a breakthrough during that first conversation. If need be, take a step back, recharge, and go again another day.
Find Solutions That Work For Both Parties
After some in-depth conversations, you two will naturally create a plan of action. This means coming up with new behaviors that do not lead to a toxic dynamic playing out.
These solutions will directly address the reasons for your infidelity. Now, even though you were the one who strayed, both of you need to make changes. Chances are her actions may have played a role, regardless of how significant. Both of you need to find mutually agreed-upon solutions.
If she doesn’t like the solution you pitched her go back to the drawing board. Maybe you missed something when hearing her out. Finding the right solution is the only way to diminish the odds that the same ending will play out.
And be willing to have this conversation repeatedely. Maybe new information and feelings will arise that require having these discussions again and again. Be willing to make changes and hear her out.
Buy Into The Process
It’s not like you’ll have one open conversation, find a solution, promise to make a change, and then everyone is alright.
What I just outlined is a process that will play out for weeks, if not months, and will happen multiple times. You must be willing to put in the work to be empathetic, have meaningful conversations, and continue to make internal shifts.
Throughout this process, your wife will doubt your sincerity. They will be skeptical of your ability and willingness to change and will be afraid that you will cheat again. Your relationship is in an incredibly precarious position right now, one misstep could mean the end of the relationship or going back to square one in the rebuilding process.
This is why it’s so important to be patient, introspect, and stick to the process. Your wife is willing to move past her trauma with you at her side. This is a courageous woman. Help her heal by heeding the advice we laid out.
While the path forward can be murky, we can point you in the right direction. We’ve helped many men on the verge of divorce or breakup, rekindle that flame, and, more importantly, regain trust in a relationship.
We do this by focusing on creating a better you first. Then we help our male clients truly understand how to create and sustain an emotional bond with their wives. And finally, we build out couples roadmap for our clients to help them create a renewed relationship with their significant other. And of course, a lifetime of coaching and support. If you want to know our program Relationships Decoded works, book a 1-on-1 Zoom call so we can learn more about you and show you how we can help you win back her trust.