Have you ever had a conversation with your partner where it feels like you’re talking to a brick wall?
You’re making your opinion known, voicing your concerns, talking about your wants and needs and there she is, stone-faced. Completely unresponsive, as if she’s been sedated by a horse tranquilizer.
Sure, she’s there, but she’s not really listening to you. While you think she’s not communicating, she’s sending one signal pretty clearly—that she’s uninterested.
This is stonewalling, and as John Gottman, the renowned relationship psychologist, calls it, it’s one of the four horsemen. If your partner is stonewalling, it might just spell the beginning of the end of your relationship.
What Is Stonewalling In A Relationship?
To better understand how to respond to stonewalling, you first need to understand exactly what it is.
Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate. Typically we think of stonewalling when talking about in-person communication. If someone refuses to talk to you online or text you back, that might just be ghosting, but stonewalling is often considered a conscious in-person decision not to talk about the issue at hand.
That means when a conflict arises, they may sit there quietly, walk away, deflect, respond with I don’t know to every question, or purposefully steer the conversation away from the conflict. Regardless of someone’s stonewalling style, what’s for certain is that they refuse to address the conflict.
Impact Of Stonewalling
A predictor of a successful relationship isn’t how often couples get into conflicts, it’s how they deal with these disagreements. If they can both have it out, yet still respect each other, and move forward, chances are that relationship will be successful. But if, instead of communication, one or both parties shut down and refuse to engage, well, this is a sign of the end of days.
If you know your partner turns into a plant every time there is a conflict you will become frustrated, resentful, and perhaps worst of all, you’ll stop talking about the conflicts. So instead of addressing the issue head on you’ll let things simmer until you explode.
Consistent stonewalling is a sure sign that things are not going well and that if this behavior doesn’t change, the relationship is in jeopardy.
So how are you supposed to deal with or change this behavior, even when you’re not the one to blame?
Build A Safe Space
Part of the reason your partner might be stonewalling is because she doesn’t feel like she can express herself and be vulnerable. Maybe you think you’re doing everything you can to invite her into the conversation and show her that you value her words and her safety.
To make her feel even more comfortable, ask her when you two aren’t fighting how you can cultivate a safe space. Not only this, but show her in your day-to-day actions how much you value and respect her.
And if this seems like I’m saying that her behavior is your fault, I’m not. She may have plenty of other trauma that she hasn’t dealt with that’s making her behave the way she does. That being said, you can’t make her change. The only person who you’re in control of is yourself.
Be the best version of yourself. It’s the only thing that you can do.
Model healthy behavior and in turn she might follow suit.
Know When To Put Your Guns Away
Maybe you don’t think you’re engaging in warfare when a conflict arises, but to her, it may feel like she’s surrounded on all sides.
When you realize your partner is stonewalling, take a step back. Acknowledge that this conversation isn’t productive and that perhaps it’s best to have it another time. It’s best if you two can agree on a gesture, word, or signal that things have become heated and that you both need a cooling off. If she struggles to communicate and you to read her, make a plan beforehand, before you two are heated.
Don’t just storm off when she begins to shut down. She could read this as a sign that you’re the one stonewalling instead of her.
When you two do decide to take a break, do it respectfully. Tell her that you think you both need to take a step back and calm down. Also, make it clear that you would like to continue the conversation (and be sure to do just that) at a later time.
Practice Self-Care
Your partner isn’t the only one who suffers from stonewalling.
You too may be suffering mentally at the hands of your partner. If that happens, you may need to take a step back. As a consequence of communication breaking down your mental health may also be impacted. I understand how much you want to help your partner, but you can’t do that if you’re not in the right mindset.
To reset you may need to take a step back and physically distance yourself from your partner.
Taking this time apart to check in with yourself and take care of your mental well-being isn’t selfish; it’s a must if you want to sustain both your sanity and the relationship.
Tell Your Partner How You Feel
Before talking to your partner about how their actions are impacting you, ask if they’re willing to listen to you for a few minutes.
Instead of making this a spontaneous conversation or one born out of frustration, when you’re level-headed, ask if you can talk to her about how her lack of communication makes you feel.
Chances are your partner genuinely does care about you, but for whatever reason, they shut down during conflict. Be honest with her and tell her exactly how stonewalling makes you feel. Be sure to tell her how much you love her, but don’t hold back your frustration. Also, tell her what you’d like to see from her and talk about how much better the relationship could be if you two just learned to communicate a little bit better.
When you have this conversation, also acknowledge how curious you are about why she stonewalls. Tell her that you’re sure there’s a good reason why she behaves this way and that it’s not her fault. I know it’s difficult but try to be empathetic and try to understand her rather than blame her for the downward turn your relationship has taken. And if you didn’t know already, blame is one of most popular relationship poisons.
Next Steps
If you came here hoping to find advice on how you can magically change your wife’s behavior, I’m sorry, but that’s not how it works.
The only way to improve the situation is to change your own behavior because, in reality, you are the only person you’re in control of.
In our relationship and marriage coaching program for men, we give you the skills you need to become the best partner possible. Through our extensive online curriculum, 200+ page physical workbook, and weekly coaching sessions, you’ll learn how to take responsibility for your actions and create positive habits that will turn you into the perfect partner. We’ll also teach you how to build a DEEP emotional connection with your wife – one that’s stronger than ever before. Your wife will see the work you’re putting in and note how you’ve changed.
You have the power to improve your relationship by first focusing on improving yourself. To learn how, book a call so we can learn more about your relationship, goals, and how we can help you achieve them.