Worried You’re Not Good Enough in Bed?
Are you worried your not good enough in bed?
As human beings, we’re gifted with an ability to think, reflect and evaluate. This truly is a gift but in some cases – more often than not, actually, when it comes to sexuality – our mind takes over and our thoughts control way too much of what goes on in the bedroom. It can make us wonder if we’re not good enough in bed.
Imagine being in bed with a woman, having a nice time. You feel your arousal grow and grow.
You might even get started and suddenly you feel “something” in your body; this “something” might remind you of a sexual experience you once had that you didn’t like all that much because it made you feel insecure.
Maybe you had a hard time reaching climax, ejaculating, getting hard, getting wet or something entirely different even?
“Something” which is guaranteed to be able to explained logically- but suddenly pops up again and again in the form of a fear of not being good enough in bed.
Where Do You Disappear To?
When these thoughts take over, something happens to your focus, your attention and your bodily experience. You suddenly find yourself feeling incredibly self-aware. Not on what your body is feeling sensually or sexually but in your mind. Your thoughts get all the attention and your partner is very likely to experience this as you “disappearing” from the intimacy (and maybe even the room).
This can make your partner feel insecure. “Why is my lover suddenly disappearing into their own world? Did I do something wrong?”
And when your partner starts reacting to your mental retreat with insecurity, this just fuels the fire of ‘something is wrong’.
This turns into a negative spiral and the base for several bad future experiences has been laid. This can be such a hard thing to get out of too.
A romantic couple’s night can start feeling scary because it might end up with the two of you having sex.
Kisses and intimate touch will make you feel numb and a ‘roll around in the hay’ will bring all the ‘not enough’ emotions back.
These thoughts can take its toll on your intimacy and your relationship, and even ruin it. This is why it’s incredibly important for you guys to break the negative spiral and not let your minds control you. Here’s my 5 step guide to never worrying about being good enough in bed:
Keep Your Mind Focused
When you find that your mind starts to take off, re-focus on the sexual game the two of you are playing. Your mind WILL start to wander, because that is how the brain works. This is perfectly normal and there is nothing wrong with you. When this happens to you, I recommend re-focusing on what you feel in your body, how it feels to touch your partner, and how it feels to be touched. Re-focusing is your friend here.
Train and Focus Your Attention
Be aware that, in these situations, you can train your focus and your attention. I know this might sound rather silly if you’re not used to doing this. Here’s an example I like to use to help you train and focus your attention:
You know when your phone rings and you just don’t want to pick it up? Well, just as you can refrain from picking up your phone at times, you can refrain from picking up the fear-phone too.
Notice that the thoughts are coming, but don’t involve in them. Just let them be and start focusing on the things you are doing – and pay attention to that with higher attention than before.
Don’t Let the Fear Creep In
Tell yourself: “Woops, here comes fear! These are just thoughts and they take away my focus from what we’re doing here. If I participate in these thoughts of fear, it’ll simply make it all worse.
Instead, think “now I’ll now concentrate on what’s important- and that’s my partner, and all the naughty stuff we’re doing right now. I’ll focus on what is hot and what feels good for me in this moment.” You can even do some of the things to your partner that you know will make you feel more aroused.
Focus on Your Partner Needs, Not Yours
Focus on looking after your partner. Train yourself in shifting your focus to an external thing instead of an internal thing when these thoughts come knocking. Every time you feel your attention slipping and your mind taking over, train your ability to re-focus, and make it a a big deal to take care of your partner’s needs. Notice what this does to you and your sexual experience.
It is normal that you put your focus inside yourself, but you can again and again train your ability to focus outside your head. The more you train the better you do. And with time you will notice that the fear-thoughts stop showing up. Because fear thoughts love attention – they’ll get insulted and take off if you don’t let them in. Don’t you just love how the mind works?
Practice Makes Perfect
Practice. As I mentioned, you won’t master this in 20 minutes. It’s like a muscle; you need to keep flexing it and keep training it. You don’t get a tight bottom from going to the gym once every three months. The rule of thumb is: the more you practice your ability to control what you want to focus on in certain situations, the better you’ll get. Practice does indeed make perfect.
You can also train this ability outside the bedroom with other fear-thoughts. Ignore them, don’t try to make them go away, but ignore them and don’t involve in them, just keep on doing what you are doing and in the end they “get bored” and they take off. So yes, practice makes perfect – also outside the bedroom.
My Not Good Enough in Bed Advice
If you’re suddenly experiencing any problems sexually, the very first thing you need to do is see your doctor. It is much better to visit the doctor to find out that nothing is wrong at all, than to try lots of things that will not work anyway, because it is an illness that is the real problem. If you don’t like to talk to your doctor about sexuality problems, you should either try to change doctor or talk to a doctor that is specialized in sexuality and knows about illness and sexuality.
Maj’s Final Tip
This fear that ruins your sexual experiences can be kicked to the curb. It’s all about training your ability to control your focus. If you do this, the sexual satisfaction will once again be center of attention.
Maj Wismann is a Danish based clinical sexologist and relationship therapist who offers worldwide help to women, men and couples who want their sex drive back. She is the author of the yearly bestselling book “Yearbook for Couples” that help couples around the world use the evaluation from the past year to set new goals for the upcoming year and create plans that makes the relationship even better and stronger.