Like everything else in life, dating can be unpredictable. You might meet someone and everything goes great. Or you might come away from a date scratching your head and wondering, why does she have her guard up so much?

Women can act guarded in many situations. Maybe she’s not talking that much on your Zoom calls, won’t text you back until hours have gone by, or just generally puts out the vibe that she’s losing interest dating. When she has her guard up, it’s totally frustrating. And when I hear clients dealing with a situation like this, I can’t help but get angry too!

In fact, I just recently visited my dad, who’s single. While I stayed with him for two months, I watched him spend lots of time with a new Bumble match, who he still really seemed to like. Even though he did all kinds of things to get her attention, she kept her guard up anyway. It was tough to watch without giving my opinion. Despite all of his best efforts, she wasn’t returning his feelings.

I don’t know exactly what was going through her head — but I definitely have some thoughts about why women put their guard up with men in general.

5 Reasons She Has Her Guard Up

When you’re dealing with a woman who has her guard up, ask yourself: Have you been guilty of any of these behaviors? If so, think about reining it in a little. Otherwise, you could jeopardize what the two of you have going.

You Give Her Too Much Attention

One mistake a lot of men make is thinking that they need to shower a woman with everything they have to offer right from Day 1.

If that’s you, stop that! Here’s the thing: Romance needs to be built over time. It needs to be fanned like a flame… slowly. In other words, she’ll more likely fall for you if you let trust and sexual tension build, rather than show all your cards at once.

So what do I mean by that? Instead of being overly available — as in, texting her goodnight/good morning, sending her flowers, and checking in all the time — you need to build a sense of mystery. People tend to want what they can’t have. So if she’s 100% confident she can have you, chances are, she won’t value you as much.

To create more mystery…

Avoid texting her unless you need to ask for a date or confirm one. Keep your texts transactional and leave the rest of the sharing for your in-person or Zoom date.

Also, don’t forget to MegaDate! MegaDating is the practice of dating multiple people at a time so that you build your confidence, hone your dating skills, and most importantly, never get hung up one woman until you know she’s absolutely worth it. Believe me, once you’re MegaDating (and I can help you get to this stage in my Signature Program) you won’t have to wonder why she has her guard up, because she’ll be chasing you.

Bottom line: Don’t shower a woman with attention until you’re in a relationship. Women will likely have their guard up when a man who isn’t their boyfriend contacts them too much.

You’re Coming Off Too Desperate

Declaring your undying love may work in a Shakespeare play. However, in real life, it could scare a woman off if you come on too strong. Doing things like calling her “baby” and over-complimenting her can make her put her guard up.

Instead, let her know how you feel in a way that respects your dignity. Of course, she has to be ready to hear it, though. If you feel over-anxious about telling her right away so you can “lock it down,” just relax and give it another week or so. This gives you time to observe things between the two of you and get to know her better. And of course, you should be MegaDating during this time.

Then, if things are still going well, consider telling her how you feel. But try these tips first, so you don’t overwhelm her.

Tell her in your fantasies or rehearse it.

Instead of sending her a wall of text detailing how much she means to you, for example, you might tell her in your fantasies first. Imagine what you might say, or even plan or write it out.

Visualize what it might be like to tell her how you feel in a non-desperate way. Getting this right in your head might take some time, so don’t rush it. Really think through (and feel) how you might express your feelings so that you’re vulnerable, but not desperate.

Manage your expectations.

Despite how you feel, she could reject you. But often, the reason has nothing to do with you. So ultimately, who cares? Assuming you’re MegaDating, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and this rejection just makes space for another opportunity with someone else.

Being okay with the possibility of rejection will take the edge off your delivery so you can express how you feel without being creepy.

She Can’t See the Real “You”

One of the most important things to remember in dating is to be yourself. A lot of people think of this in terms of acting confident, but it also means you shouldn’t be too agreeable.

Let me put it another way: Finding things in common with a woman is important. But if you disagree, that’s okay. Don’t change your opinions just for her. When you do that, it just seems like you’re putting on an act to please her. Once that happens, she won’t trust you, and then — you guessed it — she’ll put her guard up.

Make sure to show her the real you. There are ways to do this without rocking the boat too much. Don’t shy away from things like political conversations or other topics that could reveal your differences. You need to know where you each stand on these things anyway to see if you’re compatible! Just be sure to always seek to understand her opinion, acknowledge where you do agree, and explain where you’re coming from. A spirited debate never hurt anyone.

If she likes who you are, then she’ll accept where you differ. She’ll also appreciate seeing your leadership qualities come out as you stand your ground.

You’re Trying to Buy Her Off

Bringing flowers or gifts to a woman usually does the opposite of what you want. You might think it’s a sweet thing to do — and it is — but it’s best for when you’re in a relationship. Or Valentine’s Day, when 64% of men buy their partners flowers. But a woman who’s not dating you exclusively, especially if it’s very early in the courting phase, will likely be suspicious if you buy her things. Why?

Well first off, it can send the message that you need to buy her affection, as if you’re low value. That’s not a good thing obviously, because women like men they perceive as a catch. Usually, a catch is also hard to get (which you’re not if you’re already giving her gifts).

So you’re basically lowering yourself in her eyes if you buy her things too early. At that point, the answer to “why does she have her guard up?” is pretty obvious. She’s not sure if you’re worth investing in.

Secondly, buying her stuff too early can kill her attraction for you. If she doesn’t think of you as high value, then she may actually feel bad for you if you bring a gift or flowers. And if she feels pity, she definitely won’t feel sexual towards you. It’s game over.

She Feels Suffocated

Many guys will over-text or call too much after what they think is a solid date. Definitely avoid this, or else she’ll put her guard up.

Contacting a woman too much in between dates is risky. First, you could simply annoy her. This often happens if you text without intent. In other words, sending her messages like “Happy Monday!” or a random selfie in your car isn’t necessary and doesn’t even require her to respond. (And most likely, she won’t!) If she gets too many messages or calls without intent, she’ll feel like you’re wasting her time and may start to pull away.

Plus, all those messages or calls may actually give her reasons not to like you. If you’re just getting to know her, as I mentioned before, you want to create mystery. Part of that means:

Don’t tell her everything about yourself right away.

Establish a feeling of trust, rapport, and even sexual tension if you can, before giving her too much information. That way, she can “fill in the blanks” about who you are in her mind… and trust me, if she’s attracted to you, this will always be in your favor! But if you suffocate her with messages, she’ll know everything there is to know about you in two seconds and will probably find an excuse not to date you. Constant contact usually backfires, so keep your cool.

However, if you feel like she already put her guard up, you might try to reengage her with a few tried-and-true techniques. Keep in mind this is a last-ditch effort. Save it for when she’s already shutting you out or if you haven’t heard back from her on a direct TDL/date request. For instance, using her first name in a text usually gets attention and compels a response (something like, “Jennifer, I feel like we’re drifting apart.😜 ).

If She Has Her Guard Up, Remember This

Remember that you’re a prize. You’ve worked hard to get to where you are in life. So make her work for you.

A lot of times people portray dating as a “hunt” — as if you have to go out, find the woman you like, and convince her to spend time with you. But this makes a lot of guys think they have to work extra hard to get women, when the truth is, it’s about attracting them with your energy.

Knowing who you are and feeling confident about what you have to offer will bring the women you want to you. You just need to convince yourself first. This is the secret of the alpha male: He doesn’t need to persuade women to like him. He just stays true to himself, and women respond to his confidence and leadership.

So how can you relate to the woman in your life differently so she won’t put her guard up so much? How can you instead become the alpha male that makes women melt?

One thing is, don’t tell her how great you are. Show her. You might be tempted to mention how much money you make, what your title is at your company, or what you’ve accomplished. Just slow down and remember there’s always time for that. Being obvious about your success upfront will only attract gold-diggers looking for a payday. Regular women, on the other hand — the ones you want — will just put their guard up if you brag.

Instead, just show her. Let her discover naturally, as the dates progress, what kind of life you lead and what you’ve done. She will respect you much more for not throwing it in her face and will be much more impressed by it.

Keeping women from putting their guard up is a delicate dance. But the good news, you can learn. Once you book an intro call with me, we can start working on how you present yourself in dating so you inspire women and attract them, rather than push them away. We can also see if you qualify for my 3-month Signature program which includes 12 in-depth sessions that can supercharge your dating results.