How to Bring the Spark Back with Your Girlfriend
Have you ever felt like your emotional connection to your partner is greater than your sexual connection? I can relate. In fact, I think anyone who has been in a relationship for over two years can relate. Keeping the spark alive and fostering a sustainable sexual connection is a challenge for everyone in long-term relationships. Especially when you live together. That’s why I’ve put together a set of tips on how to bring the spark back with your girlfriend.
Figuring out how to bring passion back into a relationship can be challenging, but not impossible! In this article, I’ll explain how to keep the spark alive by increasing communication around sex with your partner. We’ll also discuss a variety of different sexy date ideas to help you get into the mood.
7 Tips on How to Bring the Spark Back with Your Girlfriend
To reignite the sexual connection with your partner, you need a few things, including self-examination, some fun new activities, and a whole lot of talking. Try one or all of these exercises below to take your relationship to the next level in the bedroom.
Have a Sexy Movie Night
The idea here is to create a movie night (X-rated) where each of you shares a sexy movie that turns you on. This means, you choose a movie and she chooses a movie. This is a helpful way to show, rather than tell her what you need in order to feel motivated to have sex and vice versa.
Be sure to create a no-judgment zone so both of you can feel safe to share your movies freely. You don’t want to react in a negative way to what she shares. And you definitely don’t want to share a movie only to have her run screaming from the room, either. Before you guys do it, agree to be open to whatever the other person chooses.
After each of the films, share what you liked most and why. This helps to foster a deeper understanding of one another’s sexual wants and needs. What was different about the two movies? Were you surprised by any aspects of the movie she chose, and vice versa? Don’t be afraid to ask each other questions and really dig into what’s most exciting about what you’re watching. Most likely, you’ll find out something new.
Give Yourself Permission to Dream
Maybe you’re stuck in a rut and feel sexually uninspired. To get yourself out of that mindset, write out the fantasy that you would imagine experiencing with someone else.
Perhaps there is a woman you’d date if you were single. Perhaps you’ve fantasized about sexual things you’d like to do with her, but you know you can’t in real life. Give yourself permission to imagine/construct the fantasy, just for yourself. Allow yourself the delicious/satisfying experience of playing “make-believe.”
It might be hard to let yourself do this because you think it indulges your “dark side.” But the name of the game is acceptance. If you can’t give yourself permission to imagine a sexual fantasy, how are you ever going to learn to accept your partner’s fantasies?
To make things easier, try to remember how you used to do it as a child. Maybe you used to make believe you were someone else, like a grown-up who went on all kinds of adventures. Go with that feeling. You don’t have to tell a soul. Just allow yourself the creative self-expression to dream a bit.
You might even write the fantasy out on paper. Put it in a safe place if you do, but satisfy those unmet urges, scratch those unmet itches, and enjoy the fact that no one, nowhere can truly take away your imagination. It’s all yours and it’s a beautiful blank canvas with which to play.
Imagination is vital in sexuality. If you want to know how to bring the spark back with your girlfriend, give yourself permission to play.
Perhaps your relationship lost its spark because you don’t feel completely comfortable being yourself in bed. True intimacy isn’t just about getting naked, but about sharing your authentic self with another person. Sexually, that means you should feel emotionally safe enough to share fantasies.
So, along the lines of showing her what you like in a sexy movie and writing down your fantasies, why not see if you can act some of them out? Come up with whatever scenario you like — maybe you’re strangers meeting in a bar, or you’re the pool boy who gets seduced by the sexy woman of the house. Order some fun costumes and really get into it.
It’ll feel weird at first and you might bust out laughing, but all of that makes you closer anyway. The key is to let yourself express some of those things that turn you on that you’ve been too afraid to admit. Being accepted by your partner in this process can be very freeing.
Try the “I Need, You Need” Exercise
Here’s an exercise that can help you figure out how to bring the spark back with your girlfriend. It’s called the “I Need, You Need” exercise, and it’ll immediately show you what’s working sexually between you, and what isn’t.
The exercise is simple: Both of you just need to take some time to answer the following questions. First, ask yourselves:
What do I need from myself in order to feel sexy? How about from my partner? And from my environment?
What does my partner need from themselves in order to feel sexy? What do I think they need from me? And the environment?
To illustrate, here’s an example of how you might answer:
- What I need for myself to feel sexy: vodka soda, clean apartment, out of work-mode, have worked out that day, showered recently, clean environment, stomach somewhat empty, groomed well.
- From my partner: visual stimulation, lingerie, good smelling, showered recently, make-up, mystery, space, her out-of-work mode, being in a good mood, feeling right.
- From my environment: dim lights, clean apartment, no TV, fresh air, drinks on hand, a sexy movie on, no work stuff anywhere, all work stuff put away
Finally, set a date to share with each other. Again, like the movie night, you should create a safe space with a no-judgment zone. Make sure you agree that all information shared will be accepted, appreciated, and taken into account seriously. The goal is to craft a more nourishing, fulfilling, and satisfying sexual relationship.
The “I Need, You Need” exercise can quickly shed light on how to bring passion back into a relationship. Once you do it, create a sexy ritual that you both will follow on scheduled date nights based on what you’ve learned.
Send Her Sexy Compliments
Women love compliments from their partners, so if you haven’t let her know lately how you feel, now’s the time! Set a reminder on your phone to text her a compliment every now and then.
The messages should come when she’s least expecting them — maybe while she’s working or busy with something else. Most likely, a sexy comment from her boyfriend will instantly turn her otherwise boring day around… and make for a much more interesting evening for both of you. That’s how you bring the spark back with your girlfriend in no time.
Compliments increase sexual tension, after all. Just pay attention to how she responds to make sure you’re not going overboard and ruining the feeling of spontaneity.
Here are some examples of compliments you could send. (I’m sure you can think of even more!):
- Your ass looked amazing last night in those tight jeans.
- I love it when you wear that mini skirt.
- I want to see you in that mini skirt tonight.
- What color underwear makes you feel sexiest? I want to see you in them next time I come over.
- I want you to put on slutty makeup next time I see you.
Work on Your Attachment Issues
Working on how to bring the spark back with your girlfriend isn’t easy. Like other relationship issues, it takes some inner work to solve. To do this, I often suggest to my clients that they educate themselves on attachment styles. Your attachment style may have a lot to do with the solution for how to bring passion back into a relationship.
To get the best summary of attachment styles, I highly recommend the book, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. But just to give you an idea, here’s the down and dirty on what attachment theory is.
Basically, when you were a child, you relied on your caregivers (usually one or both parents) to take care of you. But not all parents were that good at meeting their kids’ needs. Depending on the parents you had, your needs may not have been met all the time.
As a result, when you were a baby, you figured out a way to stop feeling so rejected by your parents. If you had parents who neglected you (emotionally or physically) you probably created a strategy of shutting down your own emotions and stopped trying to be close with your parents altogether, because it was just too painful. This creates an “avoidant” attachment style.
Luckily, not everyone had that experience. Some had parents who met their needs enough to where they didn’t have to develop a coping mechanism. We call that style “secure.” Others had parents who met their needs, but inconsistently. They developed a clingy attachment style we call “anxious.”
The point is, you keep your attachment style throughout your adulthood. You relate to your partner the exact same way! So if you’re having intimacy issues, either one or both of you might have an avoidant attachment style — meaning you’d rather withdraw from feelings and conflict, creating a dead-bedroom situation.
Take a look at your attachment style and see if it helps you uncover some of your deeper issues behind sex. You’ll probably discover it was well worth it.
Use Words of Affirmation
So much of sexuality comes down to communication. And the funny thing is, problems with sexual intimacy can happen just because our partner doesn’t know what we like.
If you and your partner are still engaging somewhat sexually, make sure you let her know whenever she does something that really turns you on. Maybe you liked the fact that she initiated sex, or you got all tingly when she came up behind you and kissed your ear. The point is to verbally reward anything that’s a step in the right direction.
Encouraging words, often referred to as words of affirmation, can make a world of difference when it comes to changing someone’s behavior. I’m not saying your intimacy issues are all your girlfriend’s fault, but if there is a communication gap and she doesn’t know how to please you, then this should help.
How to Bring the Spark Back with Your Girlfriend: Wrap-Up
The question of how to bring passion back into a relationship is often complex. But with a good amount of time and effort, I believe any motivated couple can find their way back to each other. You first need to have hope that your partnership can survive difficulty. Then, you need to each be willing to look at your own stuff and start doing things differently.
That’s the hard part, of course. But it’s worth it. Throwing away a relationship based on sexual issues that could have been worked out is tragic. Not only that, but you’ll likely create the same problems with your next partner. Better to take the time now to really uncover what created these issues in the first place.
Even if you’re still dating and not in a relationship at the moment, you can still work on yourself in this area. Your sexual energy is a huge part of attraction in the early stages of dating. You want to make sure you’re in a healthy place with that, so you don’t push away women who otherwise might have given you a chance.
To get the best idea of how your beliefs and behaviors affect your dating life, I recommend booking a one-on-one intro call with me. Together, we can unpack what’s going on, and I can show you how to start getting better results. If you qualify for my 3-month Signature program, we can expand your learning over 12 info-packed sessions where you’ll truly get to know yourself in an entirely new way. Until then, best of luck!