Let’s set the scene.
You recently met a fox on Bumble.
She rock climbs, listens to Motown even though she’s in her 30s, and has the ability to choose a movie to watch on Netflix within 15 minutes of logging in.
By all accounts, she’s a keeper.
You’ve gone on a few dates, exchanged a few silent secrets (read: made out), and are starting to wonder if you want to be serious with this woman.
Yet one day as you were waiting in line to make a deposit at the bank, you whipped open Bumble and starting swiping around. To your dismay, you realize that she’s still on Bumble.
Naturally, that makes you feel a bit queer.
You’re a selfish man like any other. Once you start developing feelings for a woman, you don’t want her to be seeing anyone else. So when you see her on Bumble, you’re taken aback.
Of course you may not immediately register the hypocrisy of being enraged at her for being on Bumble while you yourself are still active on app, but hey romance has a cheeky way of clouding our logic.
Your gut reaction may be to confront her — don’t.
Take a step back and assess your options.
She’s Still On Bumble: Considerations Before You Ask Her to Deactivate Her Account
Before making any brash decisions that could see her not only delete your number but also unmatch you, it’s time to sit down and have a chat about your options.
Do You Really Want a Relationship with Her?
Naturally, if you’re going to request that she delete her Bumble account, it’s likely that the next request would be for you to date her exclusively.
Are you ready for that?
Dating her exclusively means that you’re probably gonna have to delete your app. I mean you could of course keep it open but that would be tantamount to keeping a pack of cigarettes in your desk drawer when you’re trying to quit.
Are you prepared to toss out the pack and get rid of all those Bumble matches?
There’s nothing wrong with investing more and more into one person while still exploring other options. You’ll never know if she’s worth calling your girlfriend if you have little to no frame of reference.
My suggestion. Keep dating her until you know for sure — while also MegaDating.
MegaDating is all about dating various women at once in order to cut down on the time it takes to find a woman of merit.
The mystical perfect woman won’t tap on your shoulder one day as your reading Malcolm Gladwell and show you that she too is reading a copy of Outliers. Things like that just don’t happen — Gladwell would probably agree.
So before you ask her to cut off her access to single dudes, ask yourself if you’re ready to become monogamous up with this woman.
Is She Starting To Hint at Exclusivity Or Being More Distant Lately?
You can read all you want about how to react to the situation, but regardless of the quality of advice you heed, each strategy changes based on your nuanced relationship.
What have the signs been telling you as of late?
Has she been pulling away or sucking you in?
Before making any moves you want to comb through your memory bank looking for signs of affection.
Every time we consider taking the relationship to the next level, we look for signs that reveal what the other person’s thinking. Before asking for a number you read her body language to learn if she’s into you, before kissing you register signs that she’s acceptable to a smooch, and before you ask her to become your one and only you take note of the signals.
If you need help detecting the signs here’s a list of signs that she may want to be exclusive:
-You’ve met her parents and friends
-She hits you up just as often as you ask her out
-You two have vacationed together
-She’s spoken about a future with you
-She’s left things at your house that can stay there like clothing or a toothbrush
-She makes you a priority
Signs she may be pulling away:
-Takes hours if not days to answer texts
-Never asks you out
-You still haven’t met her friends or family
-She talks about other guys when you’re around
-She’s not into cuddling, holding hands, or being playful with you
Asking a woman that’s still on Bumble to eschew her constant access to new men is a major step. It’s kind of like restricting someone that likes various types of ice cream but clearly has a favorite to ditch those other flavors and only order Chip Happens for the foreseeable future.
Read the signs so well that you can just about bet as to her response when you ask her to become exclusive.
She’s Still on Bumble. Why Does It Bother You?
The reason could go beyond your feelings for this one woman.
The reason you struggled so mightily when you saw her digital smile on Bumble may be because of a deep-seated attachment style.
Attachment styles take root during youth and aren’t difficult to get rid of.
Your attachment style determines how you behave around others.
There are three styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant.Â
Those that grow up to have secure attachment styles were raised by parents that provided them with a steady stream of love. All their emotional needs were promptly addressed as a child. Because affection was readily available, these children learned that it was okay to attach themselves and bond with another.
Those that were raised by erratic parents grew up to have anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Afraid that a loved one might up and leave them at a moment’s notice, they’re either all too quick or wait forever to give themself to another.
Learn about your attachment style in order to effectively address any emotional inadequacies you might have.
Have You Sealed the Deal?
How do you know things are getting serious?
If you’re dating a Mormon, tongue is a pretty good indication that she’s super into you. But with just about any other woman, even sex isn’t necessarily a clear indication that she wants to date you long-term.
Don’t even humor the idea of dating her exclusively until you’ve gone out at least 8 times, have already had sex, and have met her friends.
Look at these at milestones.
If you haven’t had sex, dated for quite some time, and penetrated her friend group, it’s safe to say that you’ve got a ways to go before you’re considered boyfriend material.
You’ll know it’s time to make things “official” once she starts talking about distant plans in the future or asks you if you’re seeing anyone else.
Have You Deactivated Your Bumble Account?
Wouldn’t it be difficult to ask said woman to deactivate her Bumble account if you’re still active on Bumble?
Asking a woman if she’s still on Bumble and if she’d delete her account for you is the wrong request.
You really want to know how she feels about you and if she’s ready to romantically kick things up a notch. The best way to start this conversation is not by telling her to deactivate her account.
Sidling up to her with such a request is soft stuff.
Find some courage and get ready for rejection — or at least an awkward conversation.
Love doesn’t always come easy. Sometimes you’ll have to put yourself in an awkward position in order to get what you want. If you never muster the courage to ask her to be your girlfriend, frankly, she never will be.
If you still haven’t deactivated your account, ask yourself why.
Are you deadset on being with this woman in the long-term? Or once you ask her to be yours will you regret your decision and immediately get back on Bumble?
She’s Still on Bumble: Let Her Be
At the end of the day, it’s her business whether or not she’s still on Bumble or not.
Men push women away when they start prying into their personal lives.
Remember, dating apps hate to lose their userbases.
Many apps these days are owned by public companies who need to show their shareholders they are increasing their userbase every quarter.
My suggestion… don’t ask her to deactivate her account.
If you ever do in fact bring up the fact that she’s still on Bumble, wait until you’re in a relationship to do it.Â
Perhaps when you’re ready to ask her to be your girlfriend you could slyly mention “does that mean we should deactivate our Bumble accounts?”
What matters most is that the woman you’re interested in mirrors that interest. It shouldn’t matter if she’s on Bumble (regardless of the reason). All that matters is that you two are vibing.
What Now?
Now it’s time to ask her out.
Keep enjoying your time with this woman. Early on in the relationship, that’s all that matters.
If this article didn’t put to bed any doubts you had about the woman you’ve been dating it might be time to consult with the experts.
Here at emlovz, we’ve helped hundreds of men find compatible women worth calling their own.
Via a new client 1-on-1 Zoom call, we’ll create a personalized dating blueprint and I’ll answer any of the burning questions about your Bumble lady. And hey, if things don’t work out — you could always ditch your dating apps and let my team of matchmakers find you your next long term relationship.