Day: November 5, 2020

Understanding Love Withdrawal Syndrome & Why You Should Watch Out for Love Avoidants

Have you ever met someone who you thought was totally into you — attentive, charming, loving, and romantic — who then turns stone-cold for no reason? Maybe you went into a panic, trying extra hard to please them, but only made yourself crazy in the process. Sound familiar? Congratulations. You’ve just been diagnosed with love withdrawal syndrome.

If you’re going through love withdrawal, chances are, your partner is a “love avoidant.” You may also be a love addict.

The worst scenario for a love addict is to find themselves with a love avoidant partner. So today, we’re pulling back the curtain to see how it all works. How does a love avoidant attract a love addict, and how do you spot love avoidance in your partner?

How Love Avoidants Push You Into Love Withdrawal

As a love addict, you most likely have severe abandonment issues. You yearn for a positive partner who can continually give you the attention and love you desperately needed as a child.

Enter, the love avoidant.

As the folks at PsychCentral describe, the love avoidant seems perfect at first. She deeply cares for you. You guys have an immediate connection. She prioritizes you in her life, spending a ton of time with you. She pays attention to your moods and even anticipates what you want. Your inner child is filled with glee.

That is, until the bottom drops out. Suddenly, she’s cold and distancing. She may even seem annoyed in your presence. She lets her work, friends, or other obligations prevent her from seeing you, even though she didn’t before.

You’re super confused. This is especially painful for a love addict. You start to wonder what you did wrong, and try everything you can to get that “magic” feeling back. The “highs” you experienced in the relationship turn into intense lows. You’re in full-on love withdrawal and don’t know what to do.

It’s important for love addicts to know that no partner can give you the constant love and approval that you seek. You are trying to fill a hole from childhood, but ironically, you chose someone (a love avoidant) who instead mimics the parent who didn’t love you enough.

Understanding the Love Avoidant

So what’s the love avoidant’s deal?

Love avoidants are uncomfortable with intimacy and emotional connections because they (like you, the love addict!) have an underlying fear of abandonment, rejection, and shame. But as Love Addiction Help points out, they deal with it differently.

When someone gets too close to the love avoidant emotionally, they pull back, run away, act out, or find another way to sabotage the relationship. They’re afraid that if they acknowledge their own needs and vulnerability, their partner will push them away. Or, they’re scared their partner will control them. Most likely, their parents either rejected or smothered them emotionally when they were younger.

The love avoidant’s sabotage attempts quickly become a problem. This is because intimacy is a core component of a stable, healthy, and happy relationship. Intimacy involves allowing someone to see the “real you” — your true thoughts and emotions. The problem is, a love avoidant will put up walls so thick that it makes intimate connection impossible. Eventually, you only get brief glimpses of their true nature.

Dating a Love Avoidant

So now, as the love addict partner, you’re in love withdrawal mode. You and your partner’s behavior becomes toxic. You don’t quite know why, but she seems to be slowly fading away. This is accurate because love avoidants use distancing strategies to sabotage things. According to Love Addiction Help, she may:

Shift her attention outside of the relationship (not necessarily to another guy but anything, like partying, hobbies, work, her family, or even incessant shopping on her phone)
Avoid saying “I love you”
Stop wanting sex, or even physical closeness like holding hands
Walk at a physical distance from you in public (in front or behind you)
Start being condescending, judgmental, lies, becomes passive-aggressive, makes threats, or otherwise acts negatively to sabotage closeness
Complains about things that can never really be resolved
Say she’s not ready for a commitment

Distancing strategies like this can make intimacy very difficult. But, being the love addict you are, you are likely desperate to make it work — so you drive yourself nuts trying to “up your game” to keep her interested. This is exhausting… and it’s what love withdrawal feels like.

Attachment Disorders

The love avoidant personality stems from what is called an “insecure” attachment style. For more on attachment style, I suggest you read the book Attached or check out this article. In the meantime, just know that the attachment style you developed as a child can dictate your behavior in relationships later. If your attachment style is unhealthy, you have an insecure style. “Fearful-avoidant” is one of the most common attachment styles of love avoidant personalities.

So how did fearful-avoidants become the way they are? Basically, their parents didn’t bond with them, so they are afraid of bonding with others, even though they want to. They might even voluntarily get into romantic relationships, only to withdraw later.

Signs of a fearful-avoidant are very similar to other love avoidants, but according to Healthline may especially include:

Both wanting a relationship and not wanting it
Picking fights or finding fault in their partner so they have an excuse to end the relationship
Having stormy, dramatic relationships
Preferring casual sex, because it allows them to get somewhat close without the intimacy they fear
Shutting down communication rapidly when they feel pushed by their partner in any way

Whether your partner is simply love avoidant or also has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, the underlying pattern of avoiding intimacy is the same. You’ll need to stop sweeping this under the rug if you want to get to a better place together.

Addiction

Love avoidants often lean into an addiction as a way to escape an intimate relationship. Their addiction of choice can either help them distance from an existing partner or keep them from feeling they need one in the first place.

Any addiction will do — from gambling, to exercise, to being a workaholic. But one of the most common is substance addiction (either alcohol or drugs). In fact, according to one study cited by Recovery.org, the love avoidant partner in a relationship is more likely to abuse substances than their partner, assuming their partner has a secure attachment style.

And to make things even weirder, love avoidants can be love addicts outside their relationship! They might obsess over someone else as a way to avoid being intimate with you. And they’ll go into love withdrawal if that other person ever leaves them.

Narcissism

Love Avoidants are sometimes narcissistic. They’re lovely and charming in public and then nasty behind closed doors. They think everything is about them and won’t ever consider your needs.

Even if they’re not a full-blown narcissist, they may exhibit some of the traits, such as a sense of entitlement. They may even fly into a rage and verbally attack you if you don’t give them what they want. Narcissists lack empathy and will never take responsibility for their own mistakes. Easily threatened, they often try to protect their reputation with grandiose claims or statements about themselves.

Resistance to Professional Help

It can be really hard to get a love avoidant to seek help, either as a couple or even by themselves. That’s because they resist change. They don’t want to change the status quo because it helps them maintain their distance and feel in control. Of course, sharing their feelings is very scary for love avoidants, so the idea of opening up and being vulnerable with a therapist won’t likely interest them. So if you’re thinking of taking your love avoidant to counseling… good luck.

Also, if you do manage to get them to seek help, they might “show up” only to bring their same emotional walls with them. They may also turn the conversation around and blame you for the state of the relationship so they don’t have to be accountable. Be prepared for this.

Healing from Love Withdrawal

One very important thing to remember about love avoidants is that their personality in relationships didn’t start with you. They were already the way they were when you met them. Often, love addicts will blame themselves for not doing the “right things” to keep someone’s love, when actually, you chose a really hard personality to be with — maybe subconsciously on purpose — so you can replay old childhood wounds.

There is no easy answer to making things work with a love avoidant partner or healing love withdrawal syndrome. Your partner needs to see the truth about themselves and want to change. Then, they need to take action to do so. You may not want to hear this, but you can’t “inspire” them to do it, either. It’s a wait-and-see game.

What If the Love Avoidant Is You?

So what if you’ve just realized that YOU could be love avoidant?

Well, just seeing the pattern in yourself means there’s hope. Like I said earlier, the way out of love avoidance starts with awareness. You won’t have the chance to heal until you can face yourself as you are, and work through your own issues.

Also, to paraphrase the words of a brilliant writer, once you are open to looking at your patterns, you will likely attract a partner who is willing to work with you. Maybe she has already come into your life. If so, pay attention.

Instead of packing her bags after the first sign of rejection from you, she will respond with both detachment and love. Rather than taking your sabotage attempts seriously, she’ll keep gently trying to pry your heart open — and maybe you’ll let her.

If you do, the world will be your oyster. You’ll discover depths of love you never even considered. You will risk being vulnerable, if only out of curiosity. And she’ll prove to you that love doesn’t have to hurt; that you can share without being rejected or shamed.

Love Withdrawal: Wrap-Up

Each and every one of us deserves love. And life is short. We don’t really have forever to find our forever person. So if you’re experiencing love withdrawal or otherwise dealing with love avoidance, start making changes now.

Let this article be your first step on your journey to healing. You can also find many other resources to help you. To figure out if your partner could be love avoidant, follow up with this test. It’ll take you less than 10 minutes and can give you a quick read on where things stand with your partner.

If you are dealing with a love avoidant partner, my heart goes out to you. I know the pain and frustration you go through, as well as the aching love addiction on your part. At the same time, if you are the love avoidant partner, please know that you are also just as worthy of love. This article is in no way an indictment. Love addicts and love avoidants just tend to find each other. Once we can find mutual understanding, things can transform for the better.

Sometimes it’s hard to see these patterns, though. You may have an inkling that something’s not quite right with your relationship but not be able to figure out what. Or, maybe you read this and resonated with everything. Either way, I can help.

I’ve designed my coaching programs to cut through the fog and get to the truth of what’s holding you back from your best relationship. Feel free to schedule a one-on-one intro session with me to find out how we can work together to make your dating life more fulfilling. From group programs to one-on-one coaching and personal matchmaking, we can definitely find just the right approach to take you out of love withdrawal (or avoidance) and bring true love right to your doorstep.

7 Ways to Spot Narcissistic Women While Dating

How do you spot narcissistic women while dating? People often throw around the word “narcissist” when describing someone who has an inflated sense of self-confidence or acts cocky. The term “narcissist” is most often associated with men, but true narcissism does not discriminate.

Narcissistic personality disorder can occur in both men and women. Narcissism is about much more than ego and pride. If you are dating someone who is truly a narcissist, the relationship is often fraught with pain and confusion. It can also take a serious toll on your self-esteem.

If you’re concerned you may be dating female narcissist or simply want to recognize the signs, take a look below.

Signs You’re Dating a Narcissistic Woman

Pay Attention to How She Talks About Her Professional Life

In my article, 10 Ways to Know if You’re Dating a Sociopath Woman, I touched on some of the ways that sociopaths and narcissists differ. There are a lot of similarities between the two, so it can sometimes be difficult to differentiate.

In short, narcissists may work hard (particularly in places of employment) to be respected and admired and become frustrated when their hard work goes unnoticed.

Sociopaths aren’t so concerned about being recognized as they are using colleagues to do their bidding. With a sociopath, life and people are a game and the way they choose to play this game is through manipulation. Think of a cat toying with a mouse — that offers a generalization on how sociopaths deal with people and everyday life.

Narcissists are often those people at work you see taking credit for other people’s ideas and getting angry when someone else is praised. A narcissist is the WORST (and I mean the absolute WORST) boss you would ever want to have.

To put this in perspective, think about a really, really good boss you had. Or, if you can’t recall any boss that you think of fondly, think of a good teacher you had. One thing that makes a boss one to be admired and respected is that they not only knew what they were doing, but they empowered you to do your best. And they gave you accolades when accolades were due. Moreover, their leadership probably made you want to work harder because their respect meant a lot to you.

With a narcissist, it’s quite the opposite. A narcissist will take credit for your work, condescend and demean you, and will become combative if you ever so much as tread into a territory that makes them feel like you are challenging their authority.

When working for a narcissist, you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, because you know that your boss doesn’t have your back.

But unless the narcissistic woman you’re dating happens to be a co-worker (and, if she is, please take a look at these 7 Rules to Follow When Dating a Coworker), you’re not going to be getting a front seat to her narcissistic behavior on a professional level. So how are you able to see these red flags?

Think about conversations you’ve had about her work. How does she talk about her colleagues? How does she talk about her own performance? Being proud of her work is not a sure sign of narcissism. In fact, it’s a good thing if she takes pride in what she does. But consider this:

-Does her boasting about her performance dominate your conversations at times?

-When she talks about her work, is she the star of the show?

-Does she say things that indicate she believes — or wants you to believe — her company would be completely lost without her?

-Does she talk negatively about her colleagues? Does she refer to them as “morons” or does she have other unflattering, choice words for the people she works with?

Plenty of people have things they love about their job and their performance that they want to talk about with a significant other. Conversely, there are plenty of things that come with any profession that can be frustrating, and it’s understandable that someone you’re dating would want to vent. But there’s a difference between being annoyed and degrading.

Pay attention to the way she speaks about things on a professional level. Does it make your stomach lurch a bit? Then you may be dealing with a narcissistic woman.

You Can’t Get a Word in Edgewise

Do you feel lonely when it comes to this woman, even when she is sitting right next to you? Do you feel like you are constantly listening to her but sharing anything about your day, your stress, your accomplishments, your life is off limits?

A healthy relationship should involve a give and take, but narcissistic women aren’t equipped to participate in such things.

In a narcissist’s mind, the world revolves around them. A narcissist will love to talk and talk and talk about themselves — often in exaggerated, grandiose terms — and expect you to listen without being given an opportunity to talk about yourself.

In fact, if you ever bring up the fact that you are not being listened to or attempt to vent about your day at work, the narcissist woman may actually fly into a rage.

Sudden Fits of Anger

Narcissistic women don’t take well to anyone disagreeing with them, attempting compromise, or even simply doing things that don’t revolve around their personal fulfillment.

And when you end up in an argument with a narcissist, the end result can leave you confused and deflated. Narcissists will often use emotionally abusive tactics to keep the upper hand during a disagreement. Some examples of this include:

-Yelling, belittling and bullying behavior

-Threats and intimidation

-Lying

-Withholding of things like money, sex, communication, or affection

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious tactics that a narcissist — or any master manipulator — can use. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that is intended to make you question your own reality. This form of manipulation often starts off slowly and builds over time, which is why it can be extremely hard to spot at first.

Someone who is gaslighting will use denial, lies, and guilt to manipulate their victim. Some examples of phrases a gaslighter may use include:

-“I’m not yelling at you. I never yelled at you — I don’t think you even understand what that is.”

-“I can’t believe you would accuse me of that. That never happened and you’re a complete psycho for even thinking I would do that.”

-“I only get upset because you make me upset. Why do you always make me do these things?”

Do arguments with your significant other (or woman you’re dating) leave you with more questions than answers? Do you find yourself feeling guilty even when you weren’t responsible for any wrongdoing?

Keep in mind that these exhausting times will also be punctuated with positive reinforcement. You may suddenly come home to your girlfriend praising you or being extremely kind. This is not a change of heart or a sign that she is “not so bad” — this is intentionally designed to throw you off balance so she can continue to have a hold over you.

She Wants to Make You Jealous

Does the woman you suspect to be a narcissist make a point to chat up other men in front of you? If you point out the inappropriate behavior does she accuse you of being crazy, only to continue to openly flirt when you’re around?

She may be a narcissist.

According to research, many narcissists have been found to induce jealousy as a strategic way to feel in control over their partner.

She Dresses and Acts Provocatively

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with showing off what your mama gave you. Progressive times have women feeling more empowered than ever — and that’s fantastic!

We’re all entitled to wear what we want and take as many selfies as we’d like to show off how awesome we look. But narcissistic women will have a tendency to dress and act very provocatively. There’s a difference between walking with confidence (because you look damn good tonight) and having a preoccupation with every aspect of your appearance, as well as deriving attention from others based on your appearance.

Does the woman you’re dating tend to spend more time taking selfies than actually engaging with you? Is she in full makeup and wearing a slinky barely-there dress to your cousin’s baby shower or your grandmother’s birthday party?

She may be a narcissist.

An exaggerated version of this can be seen in the Evil Queen from Snow White. If you’re going around asking mirrors to confirm that you’re the “fairest of all,” there’s a REALLY HIGH chance you suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder.

She’s a Terrible Friend

The way that a person treats their friends is a big reflection of their overall personality. Is the woman someone who tends to have a lot of frenemies? Does she act sweet and charming to her friends’ faces only to demean and ridicule them behind their back?

If the way your girlfriend or dating partner treats or talks about her friends has seriously rubbed you the wrong way, it’s possible that she’s a narcissist.

She Love Bombs You

Love bombing is a manipulative technique where a person you start dating (or have been dating) will shower you with things like gifts and affection to earn your trust.

In the early stages of dating, a person who is love bombing may attempt to accelerate the seriousness of the relationship by saying “I love you” very prematurely, describing the two of you as “soulmates,” and talking about how they’ve “never felt this way before.”

While these may seem like clear red flags to an outside observer, when you’re infatuated with someone during the “honeymoon phase” of dating, it can be difficult to see this behavior as Machiavellian because the hormonal releases that accompany infatuation can make you see the other person through an intoxicatingly lovesick lens.

Narcissistic Women Wrap-up + Finding the Right Fit

If you’ve dated or been in a relationship with a narcissistic woman, it can be an extremely taxing and traumatic experience. Because of the manipulative tendencies and lack of empathy that comes with a narcissistic personality disorder, the pain one feels as a result of that relationship can continue long after the relationship has ended.

If you feel that the effects of the relationship are detrimental to your everyday life, consider booking a therapy appointment. I also invite you to check out my tips on healing from a broken heart.

And when you’re ready to reenter the dating world, I’m here to help. Book a 1-on-1 New Client Zoom Session with me or one of my other coaches today to get started.

During our session, we’ll discuss your dating goals, roadblocks, create an action plan, and determine if either of my coaching or matchmaking programs could be right for you.

Top 7 Signs She’s Cheating on You

Looking for signs she’s cheating on you?

Infidelity is arguably one of the most painful and damaging things that can occur in a relationship. Because a healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust, honesty, friendship, and intimacy, learning that someone has cheated can destroy a couple’s entire foundation.

If you’re in a relationship and you think she’s cheating on you, that gut instinct is something you shouldn’t ignore. That does NOT mean that she is definitely cheating, but if you sense something is amiss in your relationship, pay attention to certain signs she is cheating on you. Some signs can be pretty obvious, while others are extremely subtle.

But before I get into the signs she’s cheating on you, keep the following in mind:

You Are Not Responsible for Your Partner’s Infidelity

Cheating can crush your self-esteem and leave you wondering what you could have done differently in the relationship to prevent her from stepping out on you. Ultimately, she made a choice to be unfaithful and she needs to take ownership of that choice. Although several issues in a relationship can lead one partner to cheat, cheating is never excusable.

I hope these signs I have listed will provide you with some insight into a cheater’s mind, and hopefully offer some solace if you are currently experiencing a betrayal in your relationship.

Signs She’s Cheating on You

She Accuses You Of Cheating

This is one of those oft-missed signs of a cheating girlfriend. After all, why would a cheater want to even broach the subject of infidelity? And what right does she have to accuse you of wrongdoing when she’s the one stepping out on the relationship?

Still, being accused of cheating is a telltale sign that you’re being cheated on, and the cheater can be motivated to point fingers for a few reasons:

-She is attempting to throw you off balance in case you accuse her

-She wants to use your potential infidelity as a way to justify her actions if she gets caught

-She is deeply insecure (which I mentioned can be a trait in cheaters)

-She now understands having the capacity to cheat and has become paranoid you would do the same

Overly Affectionate

Another not-so-obvious sign of cheating is a sudden and overwhelming amount of affection from your girlfriend. If your girlfriend suddenly becomes much more interested in sex and being touchy-feely it could be a combination of guilt and an amped up sex drive.

Lack of Affection

Just like being overly affectionate is a sign of cheating, the opposite can also be true.

When your partner becomes cold, distant and unaffectionate, it can be one of the most painful feelings and is often what make people question loyalty. There are several ways that someone can act disconnected in a relationship, from the unintentional to the downright cruel.

She is Feeling Remorse

She may be guilty and depressed over her infidelity. Although no amount of tears or apologies can excuse a betrayal like cheating, someone who shows remorse (often, these are the people who will take it upon themselves to confess to you that they cheated) can at least offer you the apology you deserve and provide some closure.

If you notice your girlfriend has seemed sad and depressed, has been unable to talk to you and become distant, it could be a sign she is cheating on you. She will also likely have a difficult time looking at you when you do interact because of her extreme guilt.

She is Checked Out

Sometimes detachment is not accompanied by any type of anguish. A cheating girlfriend may also be an extremely selfish (or even sociopathic) person. She may either feel inconvenienced by the prospect of leaving the relationship or simply not care to bother themselves with the common decency of breaking up.

Regardless of the scenario, remember that you always deserve honesty and respect. Do not internalize cruel treatment as a reflection of anything wrong with you. People who cheat have issues that are their own and that they should take responsibility for.

Schedule Changes

If she suddenly has been working “long hours” at her job or going out for many more “girls’ nights” than usual, this could be a sign of cheating.

If she is particularly vague about the plans, that can be a sign as well.

She’s Secretive About Technology

She used to leave her phone on the counter for all the world to see but lately, she seems to have an iron grip on her phone and won’t allow you the slightest glimpse.

Or, maybe she’s been spending a lot more time on her phone texting, hitting the “ignore” button on a call with lightning speed (and some thinly veiled anxiety), or taking phone calls in another room…on the opposite side of the house…after locking the door.

If you notice unusual behavior when it comes to her phone, laptop or both, you could have a cheating girlfriend in your life.

She Becomes Extremely Angry and Defensive

If confronted, cheaters will likely become extremely defensive. They may even try to make you feel guilty for your “lack of trust” and you may be the one who ends up apologizing.

In reality, when someone doesn’t have anything to hide, an accusation or question about infidelity should come as a surprise. Their reaction is usually going to be one of confusion and — assuming you have not broached the subject in an angry, abrasive manner — compassion.

Think about how you would feel if someone told you they were worried you were cheating on them. You’d probably feel both surprised and concerned, right? You would want to put their mind at ease, but also find out exactly what led that person to the conclusion that you had been stepping out on the relationship. Making the person feel guilty and turning tables wouldn’t occur because — as an honest person — you would have no motivation to make them feel bad or distract them from the issue.

Signs She’s Cheating on You #7: Her Looks Have Changed

If your girlfriend is suddenly hitting the gym much more frequently, losing weight or has been tending to her appearance a lot more recently (e.g., she’s changing her hair, wearing more expensive or provocative clothing, wearing more makeup etc.), these all could be signs she is cheating on you.

They may be trying to alter their looks in hopes of attracting different men or getting back in shape in preparation for reentering the single world.

Moving on From Betrayal

Breakups are hard no matter what. And when cheating is the cause of a breakup, the pain can be particularly severe. Be sure to reach out to friends and trusted family members when you are dealing with this type of a breakup, and practice self-care.

And when you’re ready to get back into the dating world, we’re here to help. Visit my calendar to book a new client 1-on-1 Zoom session with me or one of my coaches.

During our session, we can briefly talk about your cheating girlfriend and other past relationships – but more importantly, we’ll devise an action plan in order to help you move on and reach your new dating goals! We’ll also discuss my coaching and matchmaking programs could help you reach your long term dating goals.

A key dating strategy I recommend to ALL my clients is MegaDating. MegaDating is a dating process that involves dating multiple people at once in order to diffuse energy and increase your self-confidence.

MegaDating is NOT about sex or secrets. Before you find a partner you want to be exclusive with, you will go on several dates with different women in order to see that there are plenty of fish in the sea, which will keep you from settling for the wrong person and can also alert you to red flags. MegaDating also allows you to practice your dating strategies, which will decrease your anxiety and make you more appealing to women.

I used MegaDating during my 100-date experiment, and the process benefited me immensely. During my research, I found a great long-term partner, and the same can happen for you!

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