Wondering how to calm first date nerves?

Ever try and shift your mindset?

To get someone to say “yes” to a real-life date (or have someone ask you out) these days can be incredibly difficult (but not so hard if you get someone to help you, wink wink).

Still, it’s no wonder that first dates can produce a TON of anxiety. If you’re in that boat, believe me, you’re not alone.

One thing you can do to calm first date nerves is to try a state change routine before you go. This is a series of activities that will get your mind relaxed and focused, so you come across as confident, attractive, and charismatic.

A state change routine can be really effective at reducing anxiety, but you can also use it to soothe the pain of a harsh rejection, or to just learn how to enjoy the dating process. Here are some ideas for a state change routine that will have you feeling like your best self in no time.

Overcoming First Date Nerves

Self-Awareness

Anxiety is a funny thing. It can make things (like dates, meetings, getting together in a large social setting) seem borderline life-threatening. But the thing is, even if things go awry and something embarrassing happens, it’s not the end of the world.

Think back to a particularly embarrassing time in your life that you’ve recovered from. Remember how terrible things felt at that moment? But now, you’ve moved past it. You may even be able to look back and laugh.

It may sound simple, but a little self-awareness can go a long way. Simply knowing that your anxiety isn’t going to cause you physical harm, and a faux-pas isn’t going to cause an apocalyptic event can help you get through periods of anxiety.

Don’t try to force your anxiety away. Rather, understand that you may feel some discomfort for a while, but that the situation is temporary. You’ll be breathing easy again before you know it.

Mock Dates

You can prepare all you want but without simulating the act of dating you won’t be able to fully overcome dating anxiety.

At emlovz we allow students an opportunity to practice what they’ve learned in a safe environment by going on a practice date with one of our coaches. Here you’ll be able to put into practice the dating skills you’ve learned without the fear that the person across the table will opt not to go on a second date.

After the mock date you’ll receive feedback on what worked and what could use improvement.

MegaDating

MegaDating is a form of exposure therapy that will help you address first-date nerves. By going on date after date soon enough your fear of dating will be mitigated. But MegaDating is so much more than exposure therapy; it’s a whole new way to reimagine how you date.

Going on a fancy four-hour first date with a stranger is terrifying. 

Instead, abide by the MegaDating rules to go on a bite-size one-hour first date. One reason you may have first date anxiety is because you’re placing too much significance on the first date. In reality, first dates are chances for you two to get to know each other to find out if you’re compatible, nothing more.

So relax, take it easy, and know that in an hour you’ll be on your way.

Warm Up Your Mouthpiece

Want to impress your date but feel like your anxiety is forcing you to give them the silent treatment? You need to warm up your mouthpiece. This can really help you overcome anxiety on a first date.

Just as it is important to stretch before a big workout, I always advise my students to warm up socially to overcome anxiety on a first date. Go to a coffee shop in your neighborhood and chat with the baristas. Or, call a friend a couple hours before the date and loosen up with a relaxing conversation. You can even practice good eye contact or engage with the clerk at a grocery store if you need to pick up some things.

Whatever you do, make sure you do this a couple of hours before a date. This will get you out of your head, which can help you overcome anxiety on a first date before the actual date has even begun!

Burn Off That Energy In The Gym

You know that feeling of accomplishment you get right after a good workout? Turns out there’s some science to it. 

According to Psychology Today, exercise increases feel-good endorphins like serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. These are the chemicals in your brain that regulate your mood and combat depression. Lifting weights in particular boosts testosterone, which can increase confidence as well.

To maintain a good self image, try and get in 5-6 days of exercise, including a mix of cardio and weightlifting each week. Regular exercise is a great way to manage your mental state and channel that excess energy you feel when you’re nervously anticipating an upcoming date.

Have A Cup Of Joe

Once you’ve burned off some of the excess steam with a good workout, you might want consider a cup of coffee. Don’t try this if you’re super sensitive to caffeine though, as it could lead to increased anxiety. Caffeine is a stimulant that can increase feelings of nervousness in some people.

But if you’re not sensitive to it, then a cup of coffee can actually increase your ability to focus and be present on your dates. Just like we drink coffee to concentrate or stay awake for a tough project, it can also help you seem more alert, upbeat, and energetic.

Find Your Inner Zen – Meditate

Meditation can help to quiet your overactive mind and tune into yourself and your environment. This can help get out of your head and into your body, which increases presence and charisma on a date.

Try this meditation: Close your eyes and pay attention to the sounds you hear around you — from the humming of the refrigerator, to the swishing of cars passing by, to the chirping of birds, to the raindrops on the window pane.

Noticing sounds in your environment can help you get out of your head and improve your concentration and focus. Then, while you’re actually on the first date, you’ll be able to chill out and listen to what she’s saying, rather than be thinking about the next clever line you want to try. You can even try it if you arrive to your date early.

For people who can’t seem to quiet their mind with meditation, I love hypnosis or using guided meditations so I can listen and follow along with the speaker’s voice, rather than trying to empty my mind of thoughts.

Get Some Rest

Just as exercise is important for your mental state in dating, so too is rest and getting enough sleep. At the risk of sounding like your mother … you need to get enough sleep before your dates!

I know, I know. You’ve been practically working around the clock. Heck, it’s a miracle you even found one hour to grab a drink with someone before you have to get back to answering those after-hours emails.

Still, not getting enough sleep before a date can negatively affect your mental state. Being tired will increase your feelings of agitation. That will definitely interfere with how well you come across in conversation, making your worst fears come true. This — and those unmistakably huge YAWNS you’ll be letting out — will have your date calling an Uber before the server can even bring the check.

Instead, recognize when you’re worn out and know your limits.

Talk To Renee

Renee is one of the many coaches on the emlovz team.

Joining our program, Dating Decoded, means being able to team up with Renee to learn how to address your dating fears. Renee is a licensed therapist specializing in helping students overcome anxiety and related issues. She’ll crack your skull open, take a look around, figure out what is and isn’t working, and work her magic to have you confident and excited about your next date.

Don’t Be Hangry

Similarly, what you eat plays a major role in your mental state. Hunger, like lack of sleep, will put you on edge (even more than you already are). Needless to say, being “hangry” ain’t cute and is a big dating no-no! You want her to see the irresistible guy who convinced her to go out with him — not some wild-eyed ravenous dude who can’t stop ogling the meals at the next table.

So, make sure to eat well before your date. While sugar is tempting and may give you a boost in the short-term, remember that it might make you crash. Instead, think quantity, nutrition, and quality (organic). Eat something light but substantial, so you don’t feel weighed down or hungry.

In fact, fermented foods that are more likely to contain probiotics are linked to reducing social anxiety, according to a study from Psychiatry Research (reported by WebMD). So if you’re still poking around in the fridge wondering what to eat, you may want to consider snacks like yogurt, dark chocolate, or pickles.

Lift Your Mood With Music

Music is an instant mood booster. During my 100-date experiment, I used music intentionally to set my own mood prior to going on a date. I specifically choose artists and playlists that made me feel feminine and sexy while I got ready. Keep in mind, this wasn’t even the same type of music I was listening to at the gym or in my day-to-day. It was music that made me feel the way I wanted to feel on my dates.

So what music makes you feel powerful, strong, sexy, and confident? You might want to create playlists according to the different emotions they bring out in you. Just be sure to pay attention to how the songs actually make you feel. In other words, don’t pick a generic playlist that’s already pre-made by Spotify. Instead, put songs on your playlists that you actually know and love, so when you listen to them, you have a more genuine emotional response.

Then, fire them up right before the big date and see what happens! Put it in the background as you work out earlier in the day, or as you’re getting ready that night. You might be pleasantly surprised at the effect it can have.

Wear What Makes You Feel Good

Just like music, certain clothes can make you feel sexier. If you don’t feel sexy in your date outfits now, try Stitch Fix, my favorite personal shopper/clothing delivery subscription service.

Clothing is a powerful transformer of mental states. I like to think of it almost like a costume. If you’ve ever acted in a play and worn a costume, you might recall feeling as though putting on the outfit put you in the mind of the character you were playing — especially if it was a play from a different era, where your clothing was markedly different from what you normally wear. You can use this same strategy to put yourself into the mental state of the ideal “character” you want to play on your dates — almost like an alter ego.

Think about it this way: We all do this naturally when we put on our work clothes or cocktail attire, when we go to church/temple, a party, and even when we throw on our sweats at the end of a long day. Every different outfit elicits a different mental state, so use this to your advantage in dating!

Strike A Pose

Not only can your clothing create a confident “alter ego,” but so can the way you hold your body.

Harvard professor Amy Cuddy’s famous TED talk in 2012 introduced the idea of “power poses,” which can change your state of mind within minutes … making it very helpful when you’re trying to combat first date nerves!

In her talk, she says if you want to feel more confident, try this hack: Simply stand in front of the mirror with your chest out, expanding your body to take up as much space as possible. (Think of it as like a superhero pose). Hold this pose for two minutes.

After two minutes, she says your levels of testosterone increase, while your levels of cortisol decrease. The result? You feel calmer and more confident.

Why does this work? Cuddy says it’s because our nonverbal communication not only influences how other see us, but how we see ourselves. Also, the mind-body connection is very strong. So when you generate more testosterone (what she calls the “dominance” hormone) and less cortisol (i.e., the “stress” hormone), you are literally creating feelings of confidence while making yourself less reactive to stress.

Dating Decoded

We teach our students the shortcut to finding their ideal match by MegaDating. MegaDating is our dating philosophy and it shapes everything we teach here at emlovz. Simply put MegaDating is dating prolifically with the specific goal of going on 20 dates in 90 days.

This will give you ample potential partners to compare and contrast so you can refine not only your dating skills but also who your ideal partner is.

It will also help get your butterflies in formation when on a date. The best way to address anxiety is to face it head-one, once you’ve prepared for what is to come.

We teach men the ins and outs of dating AND help address their dating anxiety by having them go on practice dates.

To teach you how to quickly find a highly compatible partner in just weeks and become the most eligible single in town you’ll team up with romantic experts, each skilled in their own unique area to support you.

Our Team

• Emyli (me), co-founder, curriculum developer, head coach, and I host coaching sessions every week
• Thomas, co-founder, and coach. He’ll lead the biweekly Man Cave event where men come together to talk dating, bond with one another, and support other single men
• Brooke, and Audrey are mock date specialists for men. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
• Darshil is our mock date coach for women. Go on a practice date with them (and receive feedback) before your next date
• Renee is our anxiety dating coach. As a licensed therapist she knows the steps needed to turn you into a cool, calm, and collected dater
• Hailey is your new stylist. She’s worked with celebs from every industry and is now about to raid your closet
• Tilly is our holistic sex & intimacy coach. She’ll help you get the most out of your sex life so you and your partner are happier between the sheets
• Mia is our social media expert. Revamp your Facebook and Instagram profiles with her help and start meeting singles online

Our Community

And look, we realize that the single life can be difficult. If accepted into our coaching program, Dating Decoded you’d be joining a community of supportive singles and coaches who are there to listen, support, and encourage you as you navigate the single life.

Our program offers every student a lifetime membership (as if you’ll need it) so the support won’t stop until you’ve found your ideal partner.

If you’re ready to find your forever partner, book a Zoom session with our team today. Together we’ll talk about your dating history, your goals and show you how our program, Dating Decoded, can help you find your ideal partner.

Here’s what our students are saying about us.